Hello Vancouver!

We made the move!  Arrived in our new home last Sunday, with lots of help from what we hope will be our new church home.  Such sweet people to help us, whom they've never met.  Not to mention the help from those we love and those we met at the time when we left.  Much thanks from our hearts to all who so generously helped us.  I asked Edgewater Church in Grants Pass for some help, and they showed up and were a great help to us, again, whom they'd not met previously.  How sweet is the body of Christ!

Because of the past 6 years, I remain a bit skittish, but for as long as it lasts, I am overwhelmed with peace and blessedness.  We are renting a really nice 3-bdrm home in Vancouver, WA.  It suits us, Dave found it, he did good.  :)  I had not seen it, but told him to go for it as I could take his absence no longer.  We got our TV, internet and phone yesterday, how wonderful to be connected again.

Once we get everything unpacked, I will begin to work on telling about the past 6 years.  The ups and downs, but the point is God's faithfulness...amazing.  As I write, I think that's the most precious thing I learned, God is faithful.  You may have a job, you may not, you may have an idyllic place to live, or a "make-do" place, you may have a spouse, you may not, God is with you and He is faithful to care for you.

For now, this day, March 15, 2014, my heart is full to overflowing with gratitude.  To see Sadie run and play in the yard and lay in the sun pouring in the kitchen, to have everything clean and fresh, to kiss Dave goodbye in the morning before leaving for work, and again upon his arrival home is bliss to me.  Because of those 6 years (I really will have to come up with a clever name for them) I am much more aware of what's important in life, people and love.  We have left the most precious people, and I suspect that those from the old Calvary Church of Grants Pass are truly special and do not expect to meet such pure hearts that love God and follow Him with such tenderness anywhere else, still, we look forward to a new church family. 

More later, this is growing too long.  For now, Dave and the pup are asleep, the house is quiet and boxes are piled everywhere, awaiting opening....it's like Christmas!  :)

Contrasts

fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.~Isaiah 41:10

I am a seeker.  On a journey to find a balance between the ethereal and the practical.  I started out on being a "Monk in the World" through a web site.  It is in many ways a wonderful place, but they do not profess that Jesus Christ is the only way to God.  So I filter and pick up what is useful, leave the rest.  I found that the gentle sound of Tibetan bowls playing brought me so much peace and rest, I have it going everyday now.  I also found that spending time with the Lord, not asking for anything, not even in dialogue, just being in His presence, brings the most peace and my relationship with Him is deeper because of it.

My bent is toward the ethereal.  I love the arts, music, poetry, film, beauty in all its forms.  I spend a lot of time with those things.  But as a follower of Christ, being a monk in the world does not mean to sequester yourself away, but rather to go where He calls you, to do what is in front of you, to love as He loves.

It is a rainy morning here in Southern Oregon, no walk for me and my little Doxie this morning.   We shall take the steps out and through to the other building, down the elevator (Doxies are not supposed to go up and down stairs) out to the alley for her to do her business, then dash back in.  She will have her treat and current meds for skin rash, I will have a bowl of Kashi and mandatory LARGE cup of coffee and proceed with the order of the day.  Today that involves more packing, more memories, more dreading tomorrow's medical procedure.  The days are becoming a melange of emotions and things to be done.  *Not in a whiny voice.  All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother, that's it, you know, the picket fence thing.  It was all torn apart when my first husband, whom I adopted 2 children with, left me for someone else.  And with that betrayal followed a largely dark path as far as any financial stability was concerned.  That said, as always, God was faithful and did not let my foot slip.  Many trials and such as befalls the vast majority in my circumstances.  So, when Dave got this job, we were thrilled, so looking forward to the move for so many reasons.

As often happens, life is unpredictable.  So amidst the excitement of the job and move, I am also dealing with some health issues.  Hopefully it will not be anything serious.  I won't linger here long, just added for contrast, lol. 

Our lives are in His loving hands, whatever comes.  Life isn't fair, we say it, but I think we really feel that it should be.  To accept that it isn't is one thing, but to accept that it isn't and He knows about it and allows it can throw us at times.  Ultimately, we must believe in His sovereignty and that He is love and will do what is best for us.

I struggle with this.  I am always for the under-dog, always rooting for justice and freedom.  So when life seems to dump a load of undeserved sorrow on someone with a good and loving heart, I am outraged.  I rebel, I rant and rave...even if only on the inside.  Why would He place the instinct of survival in us, so very, very strong, only to continually collide with it?

Seems to always come down to simply whether I believe or not.  I do.

If These Walls Could Talk

Time to move is getting closer, will pack up a truck a week from tomorrow.  My mind is so preoccupied.  In the midst of trying to get everything into boxes, thrown out or given away, I am also dealing with some feminine issues that will involve an outpatient surgery on Tues.  (Appreciate prayers.)  As cancer is so prevalent, it is on my mind and robbing me of some of the joy of this move.  But as I spend more time in prayer and contemplation, peace is restored and I find rest in His arms.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.♥

And now that the apartment is really looking different, I am reminiscing about what all has happened here.  This place was my miracle home.  The Lord arranged it all.  The gal that was living here was moving after about 15 years, she did not take care of it.  She raised rabbits in the floor of the kitchen where the drawers should've been for one thing.  I was prepared to do whatever it took to get back to CA, didn't work out, night before leaving for Monterey to see Molly, my good, good friend, Ginger, told me this would be available and if I wanted it, she would talk to the landlord.  Well, CA didn't work out, she wheeled and dealed for me, lol, and our sweet landlord gave me a great deal, plus he was re-doing it all, though spending was limited, Ginger & I got to pick the flooring.  When it was done, it looked like the Taj Mahal to me!!!  I had spend the year prior living with my mom, which drove us both crazy, lol.  So with all its funkiness, it was home and beautiful to me. 

Some other miracles took place here...big ones.  Molly & I, separated every other week all her childhood, and then when she was at college, got to be together.  Not the best circumstances, when she told her dad she was going to see me, he took her car, cell phone, everything and withdrew college tuition.  (If you don't know the history, it was HE who committed adultery and left me).  He really had no reason to act as he did, but he did, and no one was surprised.  So she came to live with me, eventually met Will and they married and lived here for a couple years.

Then my sweetest miracle of ever, God gave me David.  Long story, most of you know it, we met because our kids were getting married.....we were married 8 months later.  I thank God every day for the gift of this man.  He can make me crazy, lol, but I love him with all that is within me.

And we were gifted our Sadie-bug.  Another story for another time. 

But my mind is filled with sweet memories here.  Josh lived here a few times, my grandson, Caspian, came home here from the hospital after being born.

So, while it is clearly time to go, would've had to anyhow, the building has been sold and they are gutting our apartment, it does indeed hold precious memories and my heart overflows with gratitude to the Lord who works miracles every day in our lives. 

I was born with a melancholy bent, so this would be intense for me anyhow, just the way i'm wired.  Such beautiful things happened here.  There have been years of hardship, but the Lord was always with us, always provided and filled this home with love.  I will never forget it as long as I live.  I am looking forward to getting settled and writing about all these years and how faithful our Lord is.♥

Pressing On

I am surrounded by boxes.  I did this 11 years ago, and it unsettles me again.  I believe God put it in women to "nest."  Most of us need a place to call our own, as Mary Kate Danaher said, "Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having my own things about me."  So while I know that "things" are not to be idolized, they are important to the feminine soul.  My joy is to create a home that me and my family can come to and find it a haven, a sanctuary, restful and nurturing.  So, to have everything so up in the air is difficult for me.  That said, this is an exciting time and I look forward to our home in Washington, apartment, townhouse, house, whatever it may be.

Because we learn from experience, which hopefully helps us do "it" better the next time, I have insecurities that rise from past disappointments.  Forgetting that the Lord has ministered to my heart, to forget the past and look to the future and what He is preparing for us.

Old hurts come to mind, an extremely painful divorce in 1989, the years of poverty and struggle that followed, and that is a LOADED sentence.  My kids still bearing the effects.  Then finally getting to relocate here to be near my brother and Sue, and having to live with my mom for a year, which should have been beneficial to us both, but rather turned into another ordeal.  The place we've been living in now was another miracle in my life and though it has lots of quirks and funky stuff, has been my home, my retreat and where Dave & I met and fell in love.  So to be packing up again without knowing where I am going is unnerving....until I remember Who is in control. 

So the days are full of bouncing between quiet panic and reminding myself that God's got us.  Whatever happens, He does not change, nor is He surprised by any events. 

I get discouraged at times because I know my response to things is not pleasing to Him, and I want to get to that place of faith that my knee-jerk reaction is not negative in the least, or panicked at most.  I praise God that He works with me and helps me, perhaps one day.

I have been recounting all He's done for me & Dave, it is truly amazing and I will share it later after settled.  But as I look back over my life, my whole life, He has NEVER failed me, ever.  So my soul needs to rest and trust and just move forward.  His eye is on the sparrow, surely He will continue to care for me & my love.

I know a few single moms, I remember those days.  I had it easier than those I know.  My marriage was of such long duration that I got spousal support, which was still well below poverty level, but with food stamps and family help, allowed me to be home with my kids.  I digress, lol, point being, I wish these moms knew Christ, really knew Christ and relied on Him.  His love & care never cease and He can comfort and encourage like no other.  I will continue to pray that they will.♥

What Lies Ahead

12Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.…~Philippians 3:12-13

I am thinking of this verse this morning.  Kind of an emotional time right now for me.  Moving from my home of almost 10 years, contemplating my life and some of that includes the losses.  My thoughts have been returning to view the scars that remain from some of these losses.  The first that leaps to mind is my divorce.  All the pain and trauma from being betrayed by the one I trusted most in life, the effects on my sweet children, etc.  I thought I would never recover, and wouldn't have if not for Christ.  Then my son's abrupt and disastrous leaving in 2000 and all that's followed to his imprisonment.  Out of my life basically for another 2 years.  Some ongoing medical issues, some a result of my not doing what I should for my health, some not.  And, because I am of a melancholy temperament anyhow, these have gotten the better of me at times, with Dave's absence especially.  He lovingly knows this about me and knows exactly what to say to calm me down. 

But the Lord gave me this verse this morning.  I never looked at it this way before.  I just always read it pretty generically.  But it has new meaning for me....He so often does this...forget the scars, the pain of yester-years, reach forward to what He has for me now!  I will explore this now and view things a little differently.

Everyone has things in their pasts that are painful, some have regrets or losses that seem to great to bear.  Ongoing things like a child addicted, a prodigal, illness, etc.  But the Lord calls us to the life He has for us NOW.  Even if there are no paradigm shifts, there can be mental evolution.  The Word says in Romans 12:2, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."  So, He does not leave us in our minds, stuck there with pain and suffering.  We are transformed by the Holy Spirit....IF.  If we will yield to Him, surrender totally.  Refuse to demand the right to suffer and allow Him to come in and heal and help us to think straight.  But sometimes we are threatened by this.  It means releasing excuses.  No more, "I can't, because...." or "I drink (eat, use, choose your poison) because i'm wounded and want to forget or numb the pain.  Christ died on the cross for that pain, it is finished!

Our minds hold painful memories, no denying that, but Christ can help us to remember and not let it overtake us.  While acknowledging the losses, He removes the sting and reminds us to "reach forward to what lies ahead"!  Life is not over!  There's an "ahead" in front of us!  I am encouraged.  All those things the enemy seeks to remind me of have been wrapped up in the love of Christ.  He knows, He is the God that sees, and He has come to heal and restore and give hope.  Every morning I am trying to remember to ask Him to help me through the day and make my thoughts straight and right.  The past is the past, I can't forget it, wouldn't want to really, but it has lost its hold on my heart and will not rob me of today's joys.