Thursday, October 30, 2014

Today, I Celebrate!

Today is a very special day to me. 

Renaissance Man fell in love with a very insecure woman.  Having waited for 18 years for a Godly man, the one the Lord chose for me, we were separated by his living in Texas and I in Oregon.  He would visit back and forth, but it was becoming harder and harder to see him go, and would throw me into a funk that could last days.  So he was visiting and on the phone with his brother.  He had told me perhaps he would lengthen his stay, but then I heard him tell his brother he'd be back on the date on the return flight ticket.  My heart sank, though I knew he had to go eventually.  I went into the bedroom to cry a little while he finished his call.  He came in to me, held me and said he was going back, but to pack up and move to me, he'd be back by Halloween, a month's time. 

Those words were light and life to my heart!  One month and he would leave no more.  It was a long, long month.  He had dedicated two songs to me, "Still" by Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and "Lady" by Styx.  So I got both the CD's and played ELP non-stop in his absence, driving our kids, Molly and Will, crazy!!  lol  They had married and were living with me and witnessed my descent into madness.  ;) 

So on the 30th, I decided to go out and get some balloons, a Welcome Home banner and streamers and stuff.  Molly and I went out and I was so excited, one more day!!  So we came up the long staircase, and I heard voices.....DAVID!!!!  He drove almost non-stop 2,000 miles and had arrived while I was gone!  He and Will were going out for a beer.

I'll never forget his arms around me, at last my heart was at home, at peace.  This man is the greatest gift of my life.  At a time when finding anyone felt hopeless, with the very few men I had met, it either didn't click, or they weren't interested.  And all along, God knew why.  He was waiting for the one that was perfect for me.  That is not to say that we don't have disagreements, and we're very, very different from one another.  But our interests are much alike, and most importantly, we love the Lord with all our hearts.

We will celebrate our anniversary in February, it will be 8 years.  I am even more in love with this man, I am fond to say that I am smitten for life.  I can get giddy thinking of him, and when he walks through the room in his jeans and t-shirt, the attraction is still there.

I have dubbed him Renaissance Man.  He can BBQ and loves to create in the kitchen, makes a spaghetti sauce to die for, he mows the lawns, reaches me things I can't, NEVER, EVER complains, senses when i'm having a rough time and always tells me it will be alright, and I believe him....he's never lied to me.  He can explain all about astronomy and owns a huge telescope to look at the heavens, he reads Sci-Fi, likes kids' movies and happy endings.  He knows that the Eagles opened for Jethro Tull (I didn't believe him, had to Google, lol).  He's been to so many concerts he's lost track.  He loves his kids to a fault...and mine.  I could go on and on, but you get the picture....Renaissance Man.

He knows what I need even before I do at times, and he takes care of that.  He takes me to see my son, even if that means his sitting in the car with the dog for almost 8 hours.  He cooks for me sometimes and dances in the kitchen with me, like the other night to Van Morrison's "Crazy Love."  I am blessed beyond belief.  Whatever comes our way, to have known this fairytale love with my David, cancels out all the bad stuff.  I can only repeat "thank you" to a loving Father.  So I celebrate today in my heart, just me and the Lord.  Renaissance Man is hard at work.

Monday, October 27, 2014

A New Path

The squirrel jumps up into the apple tree, surprising me.  Usually he goes up the trunk, he must be feeling good, or in a hurry.  The crows sweep in momentarily, then back out again.  I miss them.  Like dragonflies, I have an affinity for them.  I never did until recently.  I almost hated them, they were always picking on birds smaller than they, I heard they eat other baby birds and that did it for me.  Until I saw a video about how smart they are, and one playing in the snow.  Although I admire their intelligence, it was the playing that grabbed my heart.  How could I dislike, despise really, anything that celebrated life like that?  And once I decided I liked them, I sensed even more affection for them.

I have just had to try to explain to some friends why I can't do a favor they had asked.  I feel bad about it.  And I can't really explain it.  These days are days of healing, that's the best way I know to put it.  The Wilderness Years took a toll.  But then I think, yeah, but Christ is supposed to be enough no matter what, and God totally carried you through that difficult time.  This is the good stuff, the life-will-be-good-once-this-is-over stuff.  And it is.  But what i'm finding is that all kinds of thinking needs to be either tweaked, or gone.  So this period of time spent with the Lord will be a harvest marked with a very particular crop.  There are precious things to be stored in the heart from it, and there are dangerous, pointy things to be lopped off and discarded.  And the thing about pointy things are that you can't just grab them and throw them away, you'll injure yourself doing that.  Care must be taken, but the job must get underway at the same time.

Through a ministry this morning, I believe I heard the Lord's voice saying..."the time is now, we will begin, and as always, you have to trust Me."  I'm not quite sure what this means, I will begin by being open to some new ways of thinking, and to go ahead and react with my heart with a degree of trust, because He is in my heart.  Healing must come and it can only truly happen when trust is complete.  So I think perhaps in better times it may be even harder than in really difficult times.  We so quickly feel self-sufficient, when nothing could be further from the truth.

So I'm starting this path today, intentionally letting my guard down as much as I can, and letting Him fill in the empty spaces.  I'm such a creature of habit, only time will tell if this sticks.  Whatever He wants is what I want.  And I know full well that He can change thinking and habits.  I will put my feet in His footprints and cling to His hand as He leads the way completely out of the Wilderness.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Write About Josh...Blog...Repeat

I need to write about Joshua, my son, today.  Every time I go to visit him in prison...every time...I am shocked, I am stunned, panicked that he is there.  That he actually did something to put him in this horrible, horrible place.  Bars and iron doors that clang loudly as you pass through shake me down to my core.  ID's and plastic bags for quarters are all you can take in, no denim and not too much jewelry to pass through the metal detector.  This world is so foreign to me that I just react.  I know I do not go in alone, usually Dave is with me, but even when he wasn't, Jesus was.  I don't think it's the conditions and sounds and smells, it's the fact that my son, my beloved boy, is in here and it's his life.  He won't work because incidents invariably take place in those locations and he doesn't want anything to mess with his "good time." 

I am trying to come to terms with knowing that this is his reality, every day, for at least 3 years.  I realize most have longer than that to go, and am friends online with some mothers who will never see their sons on the outside again.  My heart absolutely breaks for them. 

Even as a child, when I would see on television or in a movie, someone in prison, I just knew i'd never do anything for that to happen.  My freedom is worth everything.  And now I am forced to know more than I ever wanted to about how it works.  I told Josh early on not to tell me scary things.  He can tell me once released.  My thoughts and nightmares about him are bad enough without knowing more.

I am becoming obsessed with his release.  I would do anything to drive over there and get him and bring him home right now!  But that can't happen, so what do I do in the meantime, besides pray?  When I need to talk to him.  For all the drama and weirdness, Josh is comforting to me, and he makes me laugh.  We share a love of music and movies, though different genres.  There are times when they intersect and we have a wonderful conversation about it. 

He is worried about how he'll survive when released, and I don't blame him.  Because he refuses to accept the salvation offered him, he doesn't walk with the Lord.  It is prayers that have kept him all these years, and the love and mercy of the Lord.  He wants to become a tattoo artist, which would be great because of his artistic talent.  I totally support him in this, but hoping he can get on with a reputable business person.  He's got tattoos, lots and plans on more.  That makes me sad.  I don't mind tattoos at all, unless there is a plethora of them, hard to find the person when you're distracted by all the ink.

I'm going off on tangents.  My point is that right now, 11:26 a.m., in Pendleton, OR, at Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution, my boy is there and it's his life and I can't cut the time short, and that breaks my heart.  I struggle between God's sovereign will, love & mercy, and my desire as his mom to rescue him.  Still knowing in my heart I can't, only One can truly do that. 

So Lord, i'm placing all my hope and longing...and my boy, again, at the foot of the cross, trusting You to do what is ultimately best for him.  Me & Molly have had a saying about Josh for years, since 2000 when he went off the chart wild, we'd say to each other, "what are we gonna do with him?  Love him, just love him."  And as Molly said in her last visit, "he's a pain, but he's our pain."  Love that girl....and my boy.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Florida Dreams

I wanna go to Florida
Buy some bright orange and pink tops
And hit the road for muggy, hot weather
To see where Hemingway wrote and lived
And ride Miami Vice-style in a speed boat
I wanna eat Cuban food and drink umbrella drinks
On the beach and go home exhausted from bliss
Sleep under Bombay fans in satin sheets
Go to a Gator farm (though i'd feel bad at their being pent up)
Eat shrimp and red rice
Dance with Renaissance Man at a hurricane party
Drink a Hurricane or Flood Zone and feel the wind in my hair
My Florida dreams may never happen
But every time I see brilliant pastels
Or anything Hemingway
I might be checking out travel agencies.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Bad Prose....or Poetry??

The peaceful rain falls and falls
I thank Him for my new, wetter home
Unlike most, it brings peace to my soul
It's like a world-, or at least a city-event
That is shared and it brings life
The grass that was parched and brown
Is an emerald carpet once again
It's like a territory-wide time-out
Putting worry and appointments on hold
To water the earth, to prepare for Winter
I've always felt this way, perhaps because I grew up in the desert
Rain is festive and happy
Drop by drop it creates streams and rivers
The flip-side is it gives "voice" to my deepest sorrows
It says "I understand" with every drop
It draws me close to my Father
He created everything, including this watery melody
Where sadness too deep to convey, flows outward
Back into His hands.
I love the rain, it's my natural habitat
Constant and washing everything clean again
I rest, I rest to the sounds of rushing water.