Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I was just thinking...

After my walk this morning, while driving home, I was thinking of all that lie ahead.  If all goes well, a move 4 hours away.  All the packing, expense and details of that.  If it doesn't work out, what will we do then?  My mind began to swirl, and I was reminded of Philippians 4:6, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."  And even more, I Peter 5:7, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."  So then I began to question why this is so difficult for me.  I mean I totally believe God's Word and do not struggle with salvation and other things, but to give Him all of my worries and care, that is so very hard.

So, it occurred to me, it must be a trust issue.  Jesus said not to be anxious, period.  He did not say, don't be anxious, give it all to me and i'll work it out just how you like it, don't be anxious, I'll do whatever you want, etc.  Just don't be anxious.  I know the why of it.  Because He loves us so much, no more need be said...if we trust Him.

Why is this so hard?  If you've been a Christian very long, you've learned that what seems good in our economy, is not always good in heaven's.  God sees the end from the beginning and always acts according to our good.  Romans 8:28.  Ah, there's the rub.  Who determines what "good" is?  If it is us, life will be prosperous, we'll be healthy and won't have a care.  If God does, there will be suffering along with blessing.  I Peter 4:12-13 says, "12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."  And James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

So it is in this tension between what seems right to me, and what is right in God's will, life must be lived.  So though I know I will continue to struggle between the two, I remain totally submitted to His will, ultimately trusting in Him, even when it is difficult.  After all, what is faith?  Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  And 2 Corinthians 5:6, "We live by faith, not by sight."  So I must remind myself, He is trustworthy and I am to live by that alone.  Meanwhile, i'll struggle, get angry and frustrated, even though there is no need.....will I ever learn?  Thank You Lord for being patient with me and for helping me.

Monday, September 3, 2012

So, my other half just left to go back to McMinnville.  We are separated by miles and the yearnings of our hearts to be together.  I can't explain it, nor would I want to.  I know it's the way it has to be for now, and some may think me silly, it is what it is for me, and it's hard.

I laid on the bed crying, Sadie came up and tried to comfort me, as she always does.  She is the best friend ever, never tries to fix or judge or cajole, just, "I'm here with you, right up next to you."  Ron is right, she is the Holy Spirit, lol.  And lest you are quick to scream "Blasphemy!", if you have not been fortunate enough to know one of these furry souls, I ask you to withhold your judgement.  

I then began to straighten up in the kitchen, and thought, is this how i'm supposed to be?  What would so-and-so say if she saw me?  Would they say I am weak and needy, and can't get along without a man?  Hmm, let's see, what kind of woman is the media telling me I should be today?  A strong warrior-woman who looks down on anyone with a penis, or successful, dependent on no one, I come first?  I know the answer before I ask the questions.  Proverbs 31:10-31:
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Okay, there's my answers, which I knew in my heart any way.  But there comes into play as well, my personality.  I lived alone, but with my kids every other week, for 18 years, made decisions, raised those kids, etc.  I find that I am simple and complex at the same time.  I enjoy wine and some drinks, can't stand drunkenness.  I like risque, can't stand smut.  I want my man to be the Biblical head of our home, but I want input...and a wise man asks for it, as does David.  I find I fit into no hole of any kind, square or round.  I'm old-fashioned about some things, but definitely do not want to be stifled in any way.  I just know that I have to follow my heart.  And right now, my heart hurts, because even though this job could spell the end of an extremely trying and in many ways, horrific time in our lives, like everything in life, it also brings some challenges.  Our being apart for a time is one of them.  

I only want to be a help to David, so I will not tell him until we are moved, if we do indeed move, how hard this was for me.  So I find, after the tears, the weariness, yep, even some fears, that i'm still there.  And most importantly, that there is One who is with me always and never leaves me, ever.  I feel His presence as vividly as though He was here physically.  And as I meditate on Him and see all that He has done in my life, a feeling of calm sweeps over my soul and I know that everything will be alright.  That He is with Dave too and ministering to him as well.  The Word says in Genesis 5:2, "He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them "human."  And then in Genesis 1:27, " So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."  So the feminine attributes are God's as well, He understands my woman's heart, He created it like His.  I sense this in His presence and am quieted and peaceful once again.  

I will always miss David when we are apart, but I can rest in knowing that we will be together again, and in the meantime, God is with me.  And that He gifted us this little furry creature that seems to understand better than a lot of humans I know.  <3