Friday, July 11, 2014

In the Flow

I was thinking this morning of the past 7 years.  At times I feel like the Lord has enabled me to step back into life without any trouble, that i'm swimming along with all the other fishies.  Not frantic, just swimming again with the flow.  It is true, but I do notice something.  While most of the others are silver shiny and unblemished, I am severely scarred.  The sheen is dulled, the beauty gone.  Seven years of battle have left their mark.  So while the Lord strengthens and enables me to continue the journey, there are some injuries so deep, some battles so hard fought, that I am not like the others.  I can take my place in the stream, and go with the flow, but I notice that I am slower and weaker than the rest.  If there is obstruction in the way, I cannot leap over it, I must find an easier route.  I stop at every shiny object to pause and appreciate the moment of beauty before continuing.

I see an uncertain future in so many ways and wonder if I have the strength....even in finish.  I think of my grandchildren, so beloved and yet how would they know that.  We have not been able to send gifts on birthdays or Christmas, or even a card, at times we only had $10 and no way of knowing if any more would come.  Of course it did because of God's provision, love & mercy, but they are little, they don't know all that.  All they know is that we are in and out of their lives every couple years.  I love them so much, for who they are, so unique, and because they are an extension of my son, whom I love more than life.  And battling a disease that I seem to be unable to control, knowing that kind of thinking is ludicrous, it's all about choices, and still making the wrong ones.  Perhaps that is what will get me in the end.  Who will go first?  It just has to be me, I couldn't stand it without my love.  My gift, so precious to me.  David came out of nowhere in such a unique way, I knew it was God and it really was love at first sight, after talking online.  Old age, etc.  Now, I realize everyone has "stuff" that could be worrisome.  But we who belong to Christ, know that our days are in His loving hands.  Problem is, I have so little resistance these days, it is difficult not to give in to fear.  And sometimes, I just long to be with Christ so much that I think He may just arrange that sooner than I think, lol.  For that is the only place I find total peace, in His presence.  He is the only one who knows every motive, every sorrow. 

For today, the water is clear and cool.  The fishies around me don't seem to notice the difference between us, and some have varying degrees of scarring too.  So we swim on in His purposes, to the destiny He has called us to.  Each path unique and tailored to each one individually.  To bring Him glory on the way.  And along the way, to revel in His creation, in our salvation, our blessings.  To swim along, ignorant of all the ways He protects us from unseen snares, in His love He just draws us home, He alone knows when we will arrive.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


I firmly believe that the Lord stands ready to forgive, to heal, to restore as soon as we are ready to let go.  I realized years later that much of the prolonged suffering I experienced after my divorce, was due to my hanging on to a justified (in my mind) agony.   Not even thinking that the One who got me through the shock, heartache, betrayal and loss was ready to heal it all. 

And here I am again.  Feeling akin to someone with PTSD, not realizing just how deep the last 7 years affected me.  The surprise this time is that I know the Lord is healing, but the layers of insecurity keep coming.  I know that He is my provider, He is the One who never changes or leaves, He is where I am to place all my hope and confidence. 

So why does this feeling sweep over me at times that makes me fearful, fatalistic?  I can only surmise that the enemy is using my past to try to take the joy away from the present. 

The Wilderness Years, I am surprised to find, have left me bereft of  gumption.  That thing that rises up in you to fight for what's right.  I seem unable to deal with any kind of confrontation, while at the same time, am an iron maiden when it comes to guarding my peace. 

These days my mind floats in and out of the past.  Remembering my childhood home, my parents and decisions along the way that shaped my life and have brought me to where I am now.  What I would have liked to be a quiet, financially secure and worry-free time of life (as if there ever really is one), is not that.  Not entirely.  But I do trust the One who leads, who gives and takes away.  As I age, I become keenly aware that this truly is not my home.  And while the thought of being gone is excruciating, I know one day I will be.  Now that i'm closer to that than the other end, I want to live as my Pastor says, intentionally.  I do want peace, quiet and time to heal.  But I also want that time not be wasted.  I want to draw close to the Lord and hear His voice.