Wednesday, June 4, 2014

He's Not Just Anyone

You wonder.  You wonder if you did something, or if you didn't.  The answer is yes to both.  When did the thing, the thought, the event, happen that caused his mind to veer from goodness to twisted thinking?  You know that we are all sinful and impurities are there from the start.  But most kids, even kids who have suffered terrible abuse, don't hurt someone else, don't destroy or take the property of others.

He lay in his bed, his sister in hers.  I laid hands on both of them, not every night, but many nights.  I prayed.  I prayed for the Lord to keep His hand upon them, that they might grow up to live their lives for Him.  That He would protect them and help them in the face of a home destroyed before their eyes.

He was the first child.  Prayed for, hoped for, for 10 years, adoption took 5 years in waiting.  I looked at his little face, our eyes locked, my heart would never be all mine again.  He grew, shiny, blue-black hair, brown almond eyes that sparkled with impishness.  He was smart and quick-witted, athletic when he wanted to be.  But then, whatever it was, and I have my theories.  As I said, our home destroyed, thrust into situations he abhorred but had no control over, then losing my dad, his best buddy, he donned the black of mourning and continued to wear it forever, probably always will.  The sparkle was gone and in its place, a bitterness and selfish stealth that broke my heart.  School was forgotten and he set out on the prodigal's path which took him to where he is now, a prison cell.

We are planning on visiting him soon, so my mind gravitates to these things.  I read his letters, up, down, in-between.  Hopeful, abysmal, desperate.  I fear for him.  I know him.  Between his laziness and lack of motivation, I can see him remaining in prison for the rest of his life, if only for a place to sleep and eat.

I only know that when i've seen the tender-hearted side of him, and there is one, and he shares it with me, I believe that he can be redeemed.  I know with all my heart that if he trusts the One who loves him best, he can have a life with his kids.  But I also know that I cannot convince him or that would've already taken place.  His salvation and redemption is his own path to follow.  I cry out to the Lord for him so often, and trust that my prayers are not for nothing.  I wonder though if I will live to see his salvation.  I want to so much, to see him whole again, out of pain.  To feel like he is worth something, he feels he's not right now. 

I see him in his little yellow and green striped Carter's sleepers, laughing at his dad who's being silly, playing with little dozers in the dirt in the back yard, jeans dirty, shoes all worn from play, working for hours on a picture he's drawing, at bat in his uniform, looking so grown up.  I see him giving my dying father his meds and trying to get him to drink Ensure so he wouldn't die, my heart breaking for him. 

I always think of him when I hear the Mark Schulz song, He's My Son.  Obviously not comparing life-threatening illness with what Josh has brought on himself, but the emotions are the same.  He owns a piece of my heart and soul and I ache for him, so want him to understand.....but he doesn't.  I want to shield him, to go back and not let that little boy be so wounded that it caused him to hurdle head-long into the abyss.  Please Lord, please watch over him, hold him close.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


The mornings are whisper-quiet, the day's tasks before me.  As I suspected, the newness of our home and the move is beginning to wear off, as it should.  Home is not a foreign place, but one of familiarity and peace. 

I felt the familiar tug to write this morning.  Asking the Lord what I should write about, He said, "Me."  Ah, my favorite thing. 

Lately I have been thinking how unfortunate it seems that we only really start to learn some things with age.  Or for some of us, it is true.  It is of me.  If I would have trusted the Lord as I should have when my husband left, when I was unable to have children, when my son began his prodigal journey, which he continues on, the years of being alone, longing for a good and Godly man, I would have been spared much grief. 

Here is what I know, the Lord is trustworthy.  His mercies are indeed new every morning.  "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you." ~Isaiah 54:10.  What wonderful assurance. 

But it has taken almost 60 years to get to the point of my truly believing that.  I am so thankful He is not dependent on my sinful heart, doubts, selfishness.  He is love, He is who He is and does not change.  "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" ~ Numbers 23:19. 

I am finding in these quiet, peaceful days that His presence surrounds me and ministers to me what I don't even know I need.  He truly never leaves.  There were some things I knew would be true with this move that would be difficult.  One of those things is the loneliness.  Without a car, and no friends really, it can get lonely.  That said, for right now, I don't want anyone to come and take me to a Bible study group for women, and new friends are just too much emotional effort at the moment.  I am longing for dear one's faces that I know so well, and who know me. 

It's not that old insecurity as a kid, afraid to meet new people for fear they won't like me.  That's pretty much gone, as they say, you get older and you just don't care about that stuff.  If some people don't like me, that's okay.  It is that I am still weary from the journey of the Wilderness and need to see those that walked with me, those who know, what's not said when we look into one another's eyes.  The heartaches shared on both sides.  That kind of richness in relationships takes a long time and i'm just not up for new ones right now.

So, for now, I will spend the days nesting, adjusting, moving things around, etc. and fellowshipping with my Savior and best friend.  I will ask a million questions about the past, present and future.  He will give discernment, and help me to find peace when He is silent.  I can know with every step, every question, He is faithful and He loves me.