Monday, August 26, 2013

Gently Carpe Diem

I was reminded recently that life is short, no one knows what each day holds.  So, within reason, I am making some slightly different decisions.  Little ones, usually only I know that i've done so.  

I am making some choices, one being to spend more time with loved ones being the top priority.  After that, and this one's tricky, to choose quality over quantity.  Being aware of precious time does not mean to abuse anything.  

I think one of the things most wasted is time, particularly when you are in the circumstances that we, and many others unemployed, are in.  There is simply no way round it.  You do not feel able to volunteer for much, and so you have all this time.  But even that can be put to better use if you try.  Learn a language, read some literature, etc.   

I am also trying to be more attentive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We visited another church yesterday.  How refreshing for the Spirit to have free reign.  That does not mean craziness, it means following His lead.  The peace of silence and His speaking to my heart has been longed for, for some time.  I could feel Him, I sensed His presence in the quiet of my soul, it was affirming and loving and warm.  I need those things now, and as much as I can get.  There were "words" from the Lord that spoke to me and let me know He sees, He knows and He has not abandoned us, help will come in His time.

This morning I realized I have this blog.  No one reads it really, but that's okay, I write for me, always have.  Just get it out.  My writing is not eloquent or grammatically correct much of the time, but it's always, always from the heart.

And so, on this Monday, the start of a new week, I will do my best to lay down some new paths and think some new thoughts and believe with all my heart that God loves us.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Lava Lamp Principle

On the heels of a very blessed, wonderful, tiring week with our grandkids, we received some unwelcome news that I am not at liberty to share on here yet.  It was kind of the last straw on this camel's back.  Internally I crumbled, was on my knees and so completely yielded to the Father.  Today, a little numb, sad and mentally exhausted, I watch my lava lamp.  The bubbles go up and down, changing, never the same twice and it occurs to me that is life.  I mean you just never know what lies ahead, joy, sorrow, whatever, it inherently owns change.  

I am thinking that perhaps there is no "arrival", it just is what it is until it's over.  That sounds bleak, and I don't mean it to.  There are joys along the way, but in the heart of this soon-to-be 59 year old child, there is expectation of a time when all is well, and with everyone that I love and care about.  Clearly that is indeed childish and unrealistic.  I know perfectly well that what I am longing for is Heaven, where there is no sorrow, no tears, no illness, no heartache.  And this is definitely not Heaven, so I have been chasing a dream that cannot be.

It is indeed the trick to find joy in the moment as they say, something that in my stubbornness and eternal optimism I found wanting.  I want least for a little while, lol....happiness, health, "enough" for all.  I attribute it to a change in the culture and what have you, but as a child, that's the way life was for a while.  I had absolutely no fear of my parents not being together, of us losing our home or having enough, etc.  That world all seems like a dream now.  I am surrounded by young people who either have a sense of entitlement, are over-achievers, or are kind of rude and insensitive, or by others who amount to nothing and have no expectations at all.  

And then there's us, no work in over 6 years, in spite of trying everything we know, applying anywhere we can find and being more than willing to relocate.  The barriers in our various family member's lives, the unemployment and all that brings, and it's a lot, the sale of our building, not knowing where we'll go when the time comes, and then yesterday's news, all I can do is go to the cross, lay everything at His feet and weep, knowing that He sees, He knows.  At times that makes me furious with Him however, how can He watch and know and not do something!  But just as i'm entertaining this thought, I hear far off laughter, sinister and dark, so I rid my mind of those thoughts and return to what I know of Him.  Love, mercy, grace, these things I know in full and I know I must trust in Him because of them.  The Word is full of warnings of the coming times when even the most elite will fall.  

I just want to be with Him and have His perspective.  So I stay in the Word, there is my strength, and I talk to Him, incessantly at times, knowing the One I talk to loves me more than I can fathom, no matter what things look like.  Just as my kids when they were little couldn't understand everything I did, I will never fathom His thoughts, they are higher than mine, and I must just keep walking by faith.  

I may never know this side of Heaven why things have had to be the way they are.  I do know this, I am very, very blessed even in the midst of all this junk.  The people in my life are inspirational and loving.  They help us, they pray for us, they love us and that is really what this is all about I think.  Relationship, all the details are just that, details.  One day I will look into His eyes and everything will be perfect.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Answered Prayer

There are little people that come into the world that you bonded with before that ever happened.  These can be children of course, but it can also be Grandchildren.  Through many events, we haven't gotten to see ours very much.  But they are coming for a visit on Sunday and will return home on Friday.

My heart beats with new fervor, the world looks a little rosier, my step a little lighter.  There is something about holding their little hands and knowing that this is the carrying on of our family, my blood doesn't flow in their veins, my son is adopted, but never the less, the feeling is the same.  They are part of me, my son and their mom.

They are so precious to me.  Every mannerism, twinkle in their eyes just endears them to me even more.  It is fun to be the grandma as opposed to the mom, lol.  I can let them eat sugar, stay up late, whatever we want.  They are royalty to me and their wish is my command if possible.  Particularly these two who have not had an easy road of it.  Their mom does a good job and seeing to their needs, but she is struggling to keep their heads above water and my son has been of no help at all, and especially now that he is in prison.  This brought a whole new bunch of problems to these two angels.  My heart's desire is to have them have a week with no worries, only peace and fun.

Before you have grandkids, you don't quite get what all the hubbub's about...then you have them and you get it.  The sun indeed rises and sets with them.  Your heart overflows with desires for a happy and healthy life for them.  

Because we haven't seen them is so long, Sunday is a day I never knew would happen again, like a dream.  I know when we are together, we will fall right back into place, and tho we have no money to do anything, we will have picnics, park runs and maybe some ice cream at Blind George's and a soda at the Pharmacy.  This will have to do, but they won't know we're making do, cuz they're good kids and not spoiled, they'll have a good time, we'll have a good time and we'll all fall in love all over again.  And hopefully we will see them more if God allows.  

My heart overflows right now.  Precious little smiles and hugs will soon be ours.  And as a secondary blessing, they are bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh too, a real life connection to my son who is gone for such a long time.  I can see him in their sweet faces.  Thank You Lord for this unspeakably cherished gift.