Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Wow, life is funny. One minute, all seems tragic and hopeless, then by counting blessings, all seems blessed, okay. There's always someone worse off, but I hate doing that. I don't want to feel blessed because of someone else's pain or suffering! So, on the one hand, we're about to lose our home most likely, no work for 3 years causes that to be a possibility, on the other hand, we're not contending with cancer or something, like so many of our friends are. So there you have it, depending on what day you ask me, the answer can vary greatly.
It just seems at age 57 I should be in a better spot. Have some financial security, perusing travel brochures, planning vacations, planting a garden, my grandchildren running wild through the place. Instead, because of the choices I made, I am one step from the street. Family and friends have offered, but who wants to burden them!! There will be no travel or vacations, only survival. And grandchidren, I have two beautiful babies, one is 6, one is 4. If I see them once a year I am lucky. They are 3 hours away, but no money means no gas, and their mom doesn't have it either.
I fight bitterness. I want to lay blame, and there is one that would deserve that blame. But what good? Only would eat me up and make me a mean old woman one day. So I have chosen to forgive, which is good of course, but doesn't help me at all with poverty. Which like the above, depends on what day. Yes, we live in poverty, but we have food to eat, for the next 2 days, we have shelter. All this has come to a head for me. When my pastor taught on wrestling with God, I thought woo-hoo, the go-ahead, I can do that. Wrestle for our lives, an income. But alas, God wins, I don't have it in me. I only last for a day and a-half. And it has left me worn out. I just want this over. If we are to be homeless, or living with someone else, just let it happen then. I have no answers as to what to do with our stuff, we cannot afford storage. I am shutting down. Dear husband will have to make all the decisions, I cannot.
So that is where I am today, still looking to God, but in silent submission, no hope, no expectations.