Saturday, January 14, 2012

Josh has been sentenced to 5 years with time off for good behavior.  As long as I live, I will never forget how he looked coming into the court room.  Ankles shackled, wrists shackled to each other and his waist.  How he had to scoot the paper around so he was able to sign it.  Orange sweatshirt, black and white striped pants, orange crocs.

One would expect a repentant, remorseful man.  One who sat at attention, hanging on every word, his future hanging in the balance.

Not so.  He sat as though he were somewhat disinterested, just waiting for the outcome.  When given an opportunity to give a statement, he went on and on about how he drank too much, took pills and blacked out.  Doesn't remember the incident.  And while he feels bad for Lisa, he, basically, isn't responsible.  Meanwhile, Lisa sits in the very back row, I can only imagine how she felt.  Here was his chance to apologize profusely to her, and he just blew it off with lame excuses.

I don't understand him, probably never will.  This has been his life.  We went through behavior modification programs in kindergarten, eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD, put on Ritalin and that helped.  When 17, declared he would no longer take it, and that began an odyssey into hell that lasted a few years until he met a girl he cared about.  Even then, it was chaotic living, often times not knowing if he had shelter and food.  But the last few years he seemed to be doing better as far as maturing.  The birth of his children did have a profound impact on first.  Lately he was beginning to pour his venom into their young minds, so perhaps this is a good thing, he can no longer do that.

Then there's my own feelings in this.  Josh is rather a pathetic figure.  All wrapped up in himself, never feeling empathy for his victim, though she actually made a statement pleading for mercy for him, unbelievable.  She is articulate, intelligent, let them know she didn't think she deserved it and was not part of that lunacy that can exist in these cases.  She's smart and she will be fine in the long run, and better away from Josh. 

His thoughtless, anger-driven actions hurt a young woman severely, costing him his freedom.  But also, eliminating his children from his life, as well as the rest of us.  I will no longer see his carefree smile walking in and laugh as we cook in the kitchen.  I'm so angry for the loss of him, he never thinks of anyone but himself.

So I am thrust on a road I never wanted, would never choose, would avoid at all costs.  There are fellow sojourners on this road, some I find a kindred spirit with, some I want far away from.  I have no sympathy for Josh, my life is not going to be all about him and how he is doing.  He put himself where he is, he'll have to live with it, sort of alone.  I will see him when I can, write him, etc.  But if prison is hard that's tough, shouldn't do the crime if you can't do the time.  I am not heartless, I abhor some of the prison conditions i've seen televised, but that is why I cannot dive into this.  To think of my son, my child, in that environment could cause me to lose my sanity, I must keep it at arm's length.

I know that God will help me in this, and there may come a day that I feel very differently than I do now, when everything's so new and raw.  But for now, my heart is absolutely broken.  I have loved Josh since the moment the placement worker placed him in my arms and he looked up at me at 4 weeks old.  He has taken years of love, nurturing, trying to be there, all of it and thrown it all away.