Thursday, September 4, 2014

Life's Winter

As I approach 60, I find myself extremely contemplative.  The realization that some dreams will never come true is sobering and sad to me.  I have decided not to try to balance that with anything.  Just let it be, let myself be, my soul be.  Move through my days knowing that I need to be fully present and deliberate in my loving and caring.  All my life when someone I love has faced a difficulty, my natural response is to "fix" it.  Quickly, trying to spare them pain, or at the least, lessen that pain.  It's taken 60 years to realize that to react that way may be robbing them of valuable lessons, or growth, or both. 

People's journeys are their own, between them and God.  Barring those times when intervention is truly appropriate, to step in prematurely is to mess with what God may be trying to do.  I need to be more sensitive to the Spirit's leading, and less empathetic to the point of interfering.  I have to ask myself, what if I have delayed salvation by interjecting or "saving" someone from dire circumstances, when they might have turned to God.

For me, some of the inisghts gained from this many years' living, should have happened long ago.  But then again, a firm belief that He created each one of us with our own bents and talents and ways of thinking, I decide that it was my path and I had to walk it my own way, as each must.  The things that I regret is that I only learned in the last few years that I have stressed far too much, when all I had to do was let go.  Release all plans, fears, joys, hopes, circumstances into His loving hands and rest in Him.  No matter what.  Peace is what He offers, promised, and He is faithful.

So, for my prodigal, ever on my mind, for my precious grandchildren whom I worry over, for all the people and things that to me are in dire need of help, I know that I can do nothing but encourage and stay out of the way.  Trust in Him to care for them and to lead and draw them. 

I watch a gray squirrel from my Monastery window.  See how the Lord feeds and takes care of wild things.  The lesson is not lost on me.  I am so grateful to the Lord for watching over my son, covering him in protection, grace and mercy.  I hope I live to see his true salvation, but it is not a desperate hope as it once was.  There is peace, trust and comfort.  My gaze is shifting from this temporal place to my true Home.  To look into the eyes that have watched me my whole life, known my motives and walked with me is overwhelming, but now the promise that is closer than it used to be.  No fear, just quiet expectation.