On the heels of a very blessed, wonderful, tiring week with our grandkids, we received some unwelcome news that I am not at liberty to share on here yet. It was kind of the last straw on this camel's back. Internally I crumbled, was on my knees and so completely yielded to the Father. Today, a little numb, sad and mentally exhausted, I watch my lava lamp. The bubbles go up and down, changing, never the same twice and it occurs to me that is life. I mean you just never know what lies ahead, joy, sorrow, whatever, it inherently owns change.
I am thinking that perhaps there is no "arrival", it just is what it is until it's over. That sounds bleak, and I don't mean it to. There are joys along the way, but in the heart of this soon-to-be 59 year old child, there is expectation of a time when all is well, and with everyone that I love and care about. Clearly that is indeed childish and unrealistic. I know perfectly well that what I am longing for is Heaven, where there is no sorrow, no tears, no illness, no heartache. And this is definitely not Heaven, so I have been chasing a dream that cannot be.
It is indeed the trick to find joy in the moment as they say, something that in my stubbornness and eternal optimism I found wanting. I want permanent....at least for a little while, lol....happiness, health, "enough" for all. I attribute it to a change in the culture and what have you, but as a child, that's the way life was for a while. I had absolutely no fear of my parents not being together, of us losing our home or having enough, etc. That world all seems like a dream now. I am surrounded by young people who either have a sense of entitlement, are over-achievers, or are kind of rude and insensitive, or by others who amount to nothing and have no expectations at all.
And then there's us, no work in over 6 years, in spite of trying everything we know, applying anywhere we can find and being more than willing to relocate. The barriers in our various family member's lives, the unemployment and all that brings, and it's a lot, the sale of our building, not knowing where we'll go when the time comes, and then yesterday's news, all I can do is go to the cross, lay everything at His feet and weep, knowing that He sees, He knows. At times that makes me furious with Him however, how can He watch and know and not do something! But just as i'm entertaining this thought, I hear far off laughter, sinister and dark, so I rid my mind of those thoughts and return to what I know of Him. Love, mercy, grace, these things I know in full and I know I must trust in Him because of them. The Word is full of warnings of the coming times when even the most elite will fall.
I just want to be with Him and have His perspective. So I stay in the Word, there is my strength, and I talk to Him, incessantly at times, knowing the One I talk to loves me more than I can fathom, no matter what things look like. Just as my kids when they were little couldn't understand everything I did, I will never fathom His thoughts, they are higher than mine, and I must just keep walking by faith.
I may never know this side of Heaven why things have had to be the way they are. I do know this, I am very, very blessed even in the midst of all this junk. The people in my life are inspirational and loving. They help us, they pray for us, they love us and that is really what this is all about I think. Relationship, all the details are just that, details. One day I will look into His eyes and everything will be perfect.
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