Layers

I firmly believe that the Lord stands ready to forgive, to heal, to restore as soon as we are ready to let go.  I realized years later that much of the prolonged suffering I experienced after my divorce, was due to my hanging on to a justified (in my mind) agony.   Not even thinking that the One who got me through the shock, heartache, betrayal and loss was ready to heal it all. 

And here I am again.  Feeling akin to someone with PTSD, not realizing just how deep the last 7 years affected me.  The surprise this time is that I know the Lord is healing, but the layers of insecurity keep coming.  I know that He is my provider, He is the One who never changes or leaves, He is where I am to place all my hope and confidence. 

So why does this feeling sweep over me at times that makes me fearful, fatalistic?  I can only surmise that the enemy is using my past to try to take the joy away from the present. 

The Wilderness Years, I am surprised to find, have left me bereft of  gumption.  That thing that rises up in you to fight for what's right.  I seem unable to deal with any kind of confrontation, while at the same time, am an iron maiden when it comes to guarding my peace. 

These days my mind floats in and out of the past.  Remembering my childhood home, my parents and decisions along the way that shaped my life and have brought me to where I am now.  What I would have liked to be a quiet, financially secure and worry-free time of life (as if there ever really is one), is not that.  Not entirely.  But I do trust the One who leads, who gives and takes away.  As I age, I become keenly aware that this truly is not my home.  And while the thought of being gone is excruciating, I know one day I will be.  Now that i'm closer to that than the other end, I want to live as my Pastor says, intentionally.  I do want peace, quiet and time to heal.  But I also want that time not be wasted.  I want to draw close to the Lord and hear His voice.