I have always rushed past beautiful photos of the outdoors. Because if I look too long, I become deeply dissatisfied with what I have. I long to have a cabin in the woods, looking out over water of some kind...any kind. Pine trees and lush ferns in their shade. To make bread for my family and hearty meals. To can things in Summer, and enjoy the fruits of my labor when cold Winter arrives. To write beautifully and meaningfully, much like a blog I follow by Emily Gibson. Short snippets of a life that contributes and testifies to His goodness.
But the Lord has placed me where I am. And it's not bad. I love our little home, albeit a rental and so creativity is sparse, no permanent changes. White walls throughout, and a HUGE backyard with nothing in it. The trees that are there, except for one little, twisted apple tree, are the ones we planted. An investment for our landlord whenever he takes this place back. I had to have some trees. I think in all creation, and I love it all, trees are my favorite. I most at home around trees.
Don't get me wrong, I count my blessings, if not every day, at least every week. And there are plenty!! God is good, always. He has never failed me, not once. It is my lack of trust and faith that has put the wrinkles in my face, not Him.
The thing lately is my dreams. My son keeps showing up, and my heart breaks again, and again, and again. Someone tell me how for it not to. I have turned it all over to the Lord, no lie. But he's my son, he was my baby boy. To know the struggle he has put himself thru is almost more than I can bear. And to have watched him continue down a road that leads to nowhere, or worse, is only bearable because I know the Waymaker. I trust that at some point, Josh will allow Him to make a way for him. But until that time, and I doubt i'll live to see it, I only see him in my dreams. The days when we were happy and he was little and carefree are gone aside from in my mind. I must be careful not to visit there too often, or I will be undone.
The disappointments of life can eat away at you, even when you belong to Him. Again, that trust thing. But i'm not sure how to navigate waters when I can't see and there's a leak in the boat. Fog surrounds me, the water's rising, I need help and all I hear is silence. But then I remember, 1 Kings 19:11-13.
" The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."
I need to be still and know. Trust that at His timing, all will be well. Those longings in my heart for nature, for nurturing, for music, art, laughter, fellowship, will all be fulfilled, or replaced with better things that I can't imagine. Is this enough to go on day by day? Yes. Because His mercies are new every morning, Lamentations 3:22-23
" The steadfast love of
the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
He is my strength, He is my refuge. He was the God of my ancestors, and He is my God, mighty to save. If I wish to "live my best life" as they say, it is to live in Him, to be found in Him, to abide in Him. I am His beloved, He will take care of us.
So, the view from my window now, with all the little birds at the feeder, the crows and squirrels and jays that come for peanuts every day....they're fine views, and my heart is grateful.