Scar Tissue

I heard recently of someone who thought her cancer had returned, but it was only scar tissue and could be taken care of quickly and easily.  I, of course, was so relieved for her, but it got me to thinking.  I have events in my life, as do most, that have left scars.  Bad ones.  A divorce that I didn't want and thought would do me in.....but God.  A life of poverty and singleness, obviously didn't want and struggled through, but survived, again.....but God.  My prodigal, part of my own being, unimaginable nightmares with him...but God, and only recently.  Right now I am struggling with something and am waiting for the "but God." 

Thing is when I look within, almost all I see is scar tissue.  While the scars have healed through the grace and mercy of Christ, I just know that the spots that aren't scarred are super-tender, because of the insensitivity that surrounds them due to the past.  Christ came and healed, but scar tissue...hmmm....perhaps I've not accepted total healing.  I know God doesn't heal half way.  I fear upon examination, they will break open again and this time...this time...I won't survive. 

I seem to vacillate between caring too much and caring too little.  The latter can be scary at times.  I find that if a situation carries too much emotional baggage with it, I simply check out rather than deal.  There's not much, or I should say many, that I would really fight for, it's not in me anymore.  It died a painful death through the years.  But I hear His calling, gently, calling me into examination, Him beside me.  I don't want to, I really don't, but I will follow because I also learned obedience is better than sacrifice.  I also learned that having a tender heart, a Christ-like heart, does not mean that you do what anyone wants you to, to prove your love for them. 

This journey will be interesting, painful, but hopefully at its end, His will in me will be accomplished.  This will take some time, I'm not all that sharp, He will have to be very clear with me. 

The things that brought this to the surface were themselves painful, and i'd really rather just sweep them under the rug and pretend all is well.   I mean, c'mon, how long can I live.  ;)  He's not letting me off.  So tomorrow, I will delve into this and see where He leads.  One thing I know, He is a loving God and wants my good.  Romans 8:28

Lessons from Eagles

It comes on the heels of a restless night's sleep.  As is my routine, I come on here to check email and Facebook.  I have left the tab open with the live cam of the eagles on the nest.  I check in to find one right there, as always, he/she on the nest.  Research tells me it is the female on the nest the majority of the time.  Lord, You put that mother's heart in your creatures.  It remains in mine big-time.

My daughter, Molly, doing fine, is happy with her own home and wonderful husband Will.  Not much mothering needed there....and yet, when something goes topsy-turvey, I get a call, she still needs me.  ♥

And then there's my boy, Josh, who's made a mess of his life.  Recently he turned to Christ for real and the difference is amazing.  A long way to go, but we rarely change overnight.  He has some stuff going on that is scaring him to death and hurting his heart, particularly that he has caused most of it himself.  This mother's heart is with him, over him.  My prayers are heartfelt and pleading.  There are other people involved and I surely don't want to hurt them in trying to get them to understand his position, but I must try.  I love all involved, so I am trying to tread lightly and not overstep. 

A while back I felt that my job was pretty much over, that I was at the end, not the beginning or even the middle, and the kids were grown and moving on.  But the Lord was quick to check that attitude.  While it's true, my kids have left the nest as they should, it is also true that while I admire eagles, I am not one.  I'm a woman who loves her children with big love.  This job will never be "done." 

I love them both, but one needs me more.  He has no one but me, no one.  He has burned every bridge, and very nearly burned ours, but God.  I will say he has maintained one friendship, and I am eternally grateful to Jason for this.  In fact Jason told me something once I will never forget, "you can't expect something from someone that they don't have to give."  Invaluable and true.  But my son still needs help in navigating life.  Now that he belongs to Christ, there is much comfort in that, but he has a lot of learning and growing to do, as do we all. 

I'm here for him as long as i'm here.  I have secret hopes and dreams for him and his kids, but only God knows the outcome.  I may not live to see it, I do hope so though.

And when he is released from prison, Lord willing, we will have our reunion and celebrate his return.  And when it gets hard, trying to find a job when you're a felon, a place to live for the same reason, etc., we will cling to the Lord and wait and see what He will do. 

Meantime, like those eagles, i'm not leaving my post, not abdicating the thrown, lol.  I'm a mom who didn't think she ever would be.  Through the gift of adoption, I have two really great kids that I thank God for.  I'm here for them as long as I breathe. 

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD! ~ Psalm 113:9

Chrysalis

I know I need to write about this, but where to begin.  I know it ends at the cross. 

Anyone who knows me, knows about my son, Josh and the long, hard road that's been traversed.  So many prayers for so many years, at last answered in his salvation.

I have been able to see him twice this week, now he will move on about an hour away.  But I no longer look into the old Josh's hurt and angry eyes, instead they are peaceful, loving and hold some shame. 

He knows there is so much required of him once released from prison, but I keep assuring him that God knows and nothing is impossible with God.  He worries how much he'll get to be in his children's lives....that one I get, went through it myself with him and his sister.  I know that pain and it can get you if you're not careful.  I know God will help him and be with him when he can't be with them, just like He was for me.

I look across the gray metal table in stark surroundings, and this was a HUGE improvement from the last place, and see a life transformed, a hunger for the pure and righteousness of God.  But in my humanity and knowing my son, I do worry about the future, when I know it will get beyond him, fines, classes, a job, etc., will he forget about this in the struggle, or will he be wise and cling even tighter?  I am praying now about those times.

For now, I will simply bask in this moment of answered prayer and a redeemed life.  He really should write a book, my gosh, it could certainly be a cautionary tale.  He has gone so long his own way, we must rely on the Lord's grace, mercy and miracle-working power to turn things all the way round.  All that said, he has hope now, something he didn't have before.  He has Christ now and it shows. 

So I take every single issue, and there are so many, and pile them up at the foot of the cross and trust my Savior to move yet again....and again.  Love does that, in a mother's heart, and unfathomably in our God's.

Anticipation♥

We will celebrate our anniversary this month, the 18th.  Seven years together, and again I repeat, I am smitten for life.  We have the usual ups and downs but this man God gave me is the treasure of my life.  He loves me well, understands when most wouldn't, supports me totally and loves unconditionally.  He treats my kids as his own, again, when some wouldn't.  Having a child in prison can test biologic parents, he rides the waves and speaks up when he feels he should, always offering a sympathetic ear and shoulder.

My first marriage was radically different and I can tend to forget that David is not that man and thinks totally differently.  His gentleness and generous love holds me, safe.  The way he loves God makes me know that it is so.  He leads gently, always considering my thoughts and feelings.  I trust in His leadership.

I still feel giddy and every day around 3:30 am excited to see our cruiser come in the driveway.  In my heart i'm a young woman in his presence. 

Looking forward to this celebration of two hearts miraculously brought together by the Father, and a heart that overflows with gratitude.♥

Perspective

As is my custom, I came on the computer this morning and browsed through Facebook, checked email and as I lit my incense and candles, recounted the things that are wrong in my world this morning.  The counted on responses that didn't come through, the expectations that remain unfulfilled.  As these feelings grew and grew, I prayed about them...incorrectly. 

I found my way to Ann Voskamp's January 6 offering.  I feel a kindredness with her as I have not found before with an author.  I have many favorites, but no one else seems to best express my own feelings....better than I can myself.  She is to my Christian reading what Jackson Browne is to my music, lol.  In that Jan. 6 reading she referenced a site by a friend, Kara Tippetts.  Kara is dying with cancer and she has a blog.  I read a couple, including yesterdays entry.  Not what you'd expect, she is brave and shining and a glorious testimony.

While I sincerely believe that everyone's pain is pain they're experiencing, which makes it legit, there is pain....AND THEN THERE IS PAIN.  This woman is sharing her experience with grace and openness that is so inspiring.  It restored my perception but quick.  If you get a chance you should definitely check it out:

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/?author=54a300b9e4b0785c3e60dc17

I was immediately so thankful for the life I have.  Because through the struggles, however serious or mundane they may be, there is joy, peace and love intermingled because of Christ.  And those moments of laughter, sharing, being with loved ones, make everything worth it.  And ultimately, to know that Christ holds our hands, if we know Him, all the way till the end is the utmost comfort.

Whether you have millions, or next to nothing, it's about relationship.  Firstly, of course, the most important, with Christ, all else flows from that.  Then our loved ones.  I hesitate to say family, because truly (though it's becoming cliche) those in our family are often not blood-related.  The times with family, you realize as you mature, are what's most important here, before eternity.  In fact, those are glimpses of it if we love and serve Christ.  Just joy, laughter, love.  Because we are "here" and not "there" yet, there is weeping as well.  Our pain and sorrow is divided when with loved ones, we buoy one another up.

So, on the 8th day of the new year, yes, there are problems to face and deal with.  But there is so very much to be thankful for.  Opening my eyes in the morning, seeing my beloved beside me and our little furry child, makes me smile every time.  And I can rest in the love of a man that is faithful to our covenant with one another, he loves me well and keeps promises.  Lord, please help me to always see my blessings, and to trust You with everything.♥