Mothers and Children

My children are adopted, I almost forget that sometimes.  They are unique individuals and extremely different.  My girl, almost 30, happily married and employed at the same place for years now, is stability and responsibility personified.  I do not worry when it comes to her.  We are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Gilmore Girls is definitely based on us, someone unseen observing us from afar.  She will always be my best cheerleader and confidant.  She came from Korea at 6 months old, sweet and compliant, and though what lie ahead was out of a nightmare, she survived and is still sweet...not compliant in the best possible way and has grown in her relationship with Christ through the years.  She is married to a wonderful man, equally as responsible and stable as she, and my husband's son.

Then there's my boy.  We got him when he was only 4 weeks old.  He was our first child after 10 years of marriage, 8 trying to have our own.  So my happiness and joy were off the chart.  The world became all about him.  I loved him so very, very much.  Each victory was celebrated, each attempt was celebrated, every birthday, Adoption Day (the day the adoption became final) and Placement Day (the day we actually got him) also celebrated.  This child grew up knowing that he was cared for, loved and beyond.

Because I don't want this to be about what i'm going to say, it will be simple and brief, though it has encompassed our lives and I suspect in large part, responsible for my son's decisions.  My husband left me for someone he met at work, shattering our home, my son then 7, my daughter only 3.  That one selfish decision sent the 3 of us on a path we never wanted.

So my son set off on a journey just before his Senior year ended that sent us all into a tailspin.  The details aren't important, just that those bad choices have continued, and now, 14 years later, he sits in a state prison.  He is due out in 2015.  I will make no excuses for him, other than at such a young age, his whole world fell apart and he did not handle it well, he was 7.  I was 35 and I didn't handle it well either.  But my faith in Jesus Christ is what literally saved me.  My son decided early on, God could not be trusted and would simply not do what he wanted Him to do, so God was not for him.  We see where that choice has brought him.

Thing is, all this is true, but i'm still his mom.  When I look at him and pictures of him, I still see the little boy, full of life, running as fast as he can from joy to joy, black hair shining in the sun and laughter that came easily to him.  And my heart breaks to know where he is, no matter how well-deserved. 

When you love someone, they can make terrible decisions, do dumb things, act without thought of others, all that doesn't change how much you love them...particularly mothers.  When the incident took place, I just thought I would shrivel up and die.  Not to see him, or talk to him, except through letters is agony, and it is.  To know his potential, truly, he is a wonderful artist and writer, charming, handsome and hard-working when he likes what he's doing, and know that potential is most likely never going to be used is so very sad and frustrating.

What triggered all this is that he called last night.  This is an extremely rare occurrence and I recognize the number when it happens, hold my breath until I hear his voice.  However, last night, before the call could go through, I was asked to verify who I was and it wouldn't accept my information, so I never did get to talk to him for those free 3 minutes.  My hand grips the phone so tight as I enter the info and put it back to my ear, did it twice, only to be denied.  You imagine all kinds of things.  Suppose he's sick, or hurt and needs my help and because of this stupid system that is automated and doesn't work right, I have no idea what he wanted.  I hang up, feeling so crushed, surprised by how badly I wanted to hear his voice.  I go in the bedroom to cry a bit and I know it doesn't help anything, but sorrow has to come out somehow. 

My sweet man comforts me as best he can.  He loves my son even when other step-father's might not, and he loves me with big love and would do anything to remove this sadness.  I have supportive friends and family that love us and love my son and pray for him, for which I am ever grateful.

But there is this "thing" between my son & I, and I suspect between many mothers and their children.  It is different than my daughter and I, she doesn't need me like my son does.  By his own admission, i'm all he has.  I love my kids equally, but different.  And this bond that this little black-haired boy and I had has only grown through the years.  Josh can make me laugh when no one else can, he "gets" parts of me that no one, even my husband, doesn't "get."  Only thing I can figure is that he was older when "The Divorce" (for indeed it really had a life of its own) happened.  He was devastated and his young heart crushed.  The years that followed were no better.  All this took a toll, and we came out of it, me, him & his sister, much like veterans of a war.  No one can know that experience but us, we were there for each other, and without each other, we wouldn't have survived. 

The problem when this happens is that you feel so bad for your kids that you can be too easy on them.  When the other parent is cruel and harsh, you want to be the opposite.  Still, I disciplined when necessary.  There were so many issues, I won't go into them.

I really just wanted a commentary on mother-child relationships and that the depth of feeling and love cannot be fathomed by other people.  Every mother will be convinced that yes, other mothers love their children, but not like I love mine.

I know that if Josh truly surrenders to Christ, there is hope, otherwise I fear for his future.  I can see him remaining in prison for something else because it is too hard for him on the outside without LOTS of help, more than I can give, though I will try.  He has 2 beautiful kids, hopefully that will be reason to try. 

The point is the love, my love has never wavered, never, no matter what, through all the years, all the antics, the scary stuff, everything, and the thing about love.....

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.    ~ I Corinthians 13:4-7

Mother's Lament

MOTHER'S LAMENT

The letters come one after another

None are good, but how could they be

He betrayed himself

And in so doing, removed his presence

And my mother's heart aches

Day-in, day-out

The ever-present knowledge that he is not here

He is there

Somewhere that exists only in my nightmares

But he is living it

My precious boy, starting out so shiny and beautiful

Now in an unimaginable hell

Every sad occurrence is even sadder

And every joy watered down

Josh, I cannot know your suffering

But I know mine

And to be cognizant that you do suffer

Screams in my brain every single day

I need to get to you, I need to help you

And I can't and no amount of money could

So I turn to the only One who truly knows your heart

And mine

And gives me comfort and hope

Extinguishes the fiery darts of Wisconsin

I hope, I break down, I sob

I wait.

On Friends

It's April 1st.  My first April in our new home in Vancouver, WA.  We've been here almost a month.  Most of the boxes are gone, things put away, but there are still lots of things sitting here and there, me unable to decide where to put them.

Amidst the putting away, sorting through, setting up, my heart overflows with gratitude.  But as I knew would happen in time, I am really starting to miss my friends and family.  I am thinking this morning of dear friends.  I have very different and unique friends, each one such a huge blessing in my life.

I've known Ginger the longest.  I'm not sure how to describe Ginger, she is definitely a force to be reckoned with.  She has a tender and good heart which sometimes is not so evident in her zeal for accomplishing a task, or if she is dealing with injustice.  I know how she does so many things anonymously, or almost anonymously, I know how she loves her family passionately and desires their good.  I know that at the lowest point in my life, she swooped in, picked me up and helped me put one foot in front of the other when it wouldn't have happened otherwise.  I know that when I needed a place to live that I could afford, she was 100% instrumental in arranging it with our landlord whom she also rented a space from.  I was present, but she made the whole thing happen, got him to agree to a bigger space and nice renovations.  She has kept my hair cut when I could never pay her, I could go on and on.  To say she saved my life is not an exaggeration.  Ginger is the person you go to when you want action, if she can literally help, she will.  She's a good listener and I love our conversations about our Lord.  I am blessed to have her in my life, we chat every few days, even now that i've moved, and hopefully she will come visit soon.

Next longest is Pat, sweet sister to me through thick and thin.  We met through Calvary Church's mentoring program they had for a while.  We hit it off so well, we just kept meeting....that was about 7 or 8 years ago I believe.  Friend of my heart, that I can tell anything to and not fear judgment, always a joy  to spend time with her.  She has treated me to more meals than I can ever count, and so many other things through the years.  Her generous heart is an inspiration to anyone who knows her.  I will never forget our 1st anniversary.  We had planned a dinner at home, which is fine, but because of Pat's generosity, we were able to drive over to Brookings for a special dinner, and stopped at the Big Trees (as we've dubbed them) on the way.  I will never forget it.  I have called on her for rides, for prayer, for whatever was needed, and she was always there for me.  We prayed for each other, shared our hearts over gallons of coffee.  And we love each other's families, particularly her Thomas and my Josh, each of us understanding our heartache at their incarceration.  She and Chris are coming in May...I cannot wait!!!

And my soul friend, Sue.  I almost haven't the words to describe what our friendship means to me.  When I have been my most ugly, most depressed, and don't want Pollyanna answers or a kick in the butt, but someone I know will empathize before the afore mention butt-kicking, I have gone to Sue.  She instinctively knows when I need a gentle answer, or a swift kick, lol.  When she, Tom, me & Dave are together we have a grand time!  Laughter is abundant and mutually loving hearts reside.  Sue and I email through the day, almost every day, unless one of us is away.  Her words of wisdom have helped me more times than I can count.  She has a way of almost always seeing the "big picture", while I focus on the miniscule.  When we are together, time flies and our hearts become light.  Many times when at my worst, I have invited myself to her lovely home, Bridgehaven and always been welcomed.  I go, promising her and myself to stay for only a little while, and every time, the whole day goes by and I must rush to get Molly's car back to her in time.  A gracious host, wonderful cook, but most of all, a loving, understanding friend is what Sue is.

The common thread with my friends is their love for the Lord.  They are all uncompromising in that and all they do flows from it.  What sweetness to share with them.  This is a foretaste of Heaven I am sure.  For now, we are far apart, I hope we still see each other from time to time.  I know it will seem like yesterday that we were together.  I thank my friends for their invaluable contribution to my life, their love and support means more than they'll ever know.  But I know that He knows, and I pray He will bless them as much as they've blessed me.♥

Hello Vancouver!

We made the move!  Arrived in our new home last Sunday, with lots of help from what we hope will be our new church home.  Such sweet people to help us, whom they've never met.  Not to mention the help from those we love and those we met at the time when we left.  Much thanks from our hearts to all who so generously helped us.  I asked Edgewater Church in Grants Pass for some help, and they showed up and were a great help to us, again, whom they'd not met previously.  How sweet is the body of Christ!

Because of the past 6 years, I remain a bit skittish, but for as long as it lasts, I am overwhelmed with peace and blessedness.  We are renting a really nice 3-bdrm home in Vancouver, WA.  It suits us, Dave found it, he did good.  :)  I had not seen it, but told him to go for it as I could take his absence no longer.  We got our TV, internet and phone yesterday, how wonderful to be connected again.

Once we get everything unpacked, I will begin to work on telling about the past 6 years.  The ups and downs, but the point is God's faithfulness...amazing.  As I write, I think that's the most precious thing I learned, God is faithful.  You may have a job, you may not, you may have an idyllic place to live, or a "make-do" place, you may have a spouse, you may not, God is with you and He is faithful to care for you.

For now, this day, March 15, 2014, my heart is full to overflowing with gratitude.  To see Sadie run and play in the yard and lay in the sun pouring in the kitchen, to have everything clean and fresh, to kiss Dave goodbye in the morning before leaving for work, and again upon his arrival home is bliss to me.  Because of those 6 years (I really will have to come up with a clever name for them) I am much more aware of what's important in life, people and love.  We have left the most precious people, and I suspect that those from the old Calvary Church of Grants Pass are truly special and do not expect to meet such pure hearts that love God and follow Him with such tenderness anywhere else, still, we look forward to a new church family. 

More later, this is growing too long.  For now, Dave and the pup are asleep, the house is quiet and boxes are piled everywhere, awaiting opening....it's like Christmas!  :)

Contrasts

fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.~Isaiah 41:10

I am a seeker.  On a journey to find a balance between the ethereal and the practical.  I started out on being a "Monk in the World" through a web site.  It is in many ways a wonderful place, but they do not profess that Jesus Christ is the only way to God.  So I filter and pick up what is useful, leave the rest.  I found that the gentle sound of Tibetan bowls playing brought me so much peace and rest, I have it going everyday now.  I also found that spending time with the Lord, not asking for anything, not even in dialogue, just being in His presence, brings the most peace and my relationship with Him is deeper because of it.

My bent is toward the ethereal.  I love the arts, music, poetry, film, beauty in all its forms.  I spend a lot of time with those things.  But as a follower of Christ, being a monk in the world does not mean to sequester yourself away, but rather to go where He calls you, to do what is in front of you, to love as He loves.

It is a rainy morning here in Southern Oregon, no walk for me and my little Doxie this morning.   We shall take the steps out and through to the other building, down the elevator (Doxies are not supposed to go up and down stairs) out to the alley for her to do her business, then dash back in.  She will have her treat and current meds for skin rash, I will have a bowl of Kashi and mandatory LARGE cup of coffee and proceed with the order of the day.  Today that involves more packing, more memories, more dreading tomorrow's medical procedure.  The days are becoming a melange of emotions and things to be done.  *Not in a whiny voice.  All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother, that's it, you know, the picket fence thing.  It was all torn apart when my first husband, whom I adopted 2 children with, left me for someone else.  And with that betrayal followed a largely dark path as far as any financial stability was concerned.  That said, as always, God was faithful and did not let my foot slip.  Many trials and such as befalls the vast majority in my circumstances.  So, when Dave got this job, we were thrilled, so looking forward to the move for so many reasons.

As often happens, life is unpredictable.  So amidst the excitement of the job and move, I am also dealing with some health issues.  Hopefully it will not be anything serious.  I won't linger here long, just added for contrast, lol. 

Our lives are in His loving hands, whatever comes.  Life isn't fair, we say it, but I think we really feel that it should be.  To accept that it isn't is one thing, but to accept that it isn't and He knows about it and allows it can throw us at times.  Ultimately, we must believe in His sovereignty and that He is love and will do what is best for us.

I struggle with this.  I am always for the under-dog, always rooting for justice and freedom.  So when life seems to dump a load of undeserved sorrow on someone with a good and loving heart, I am outraged.  I rebel, I rant and rave...even if only on the inside.  Why would He place the instinct of survival in us, so very, very strong, only to continually collide with it?

Seems to always come down to simply whether I believe or not.  I do.