Autumn Review 2013

With Autumn's arrival, so comes introspection.  Taking a look at what I know about myself that I didn't at the beginning of the year, how has my spiritual walk changed or grown...or not grown.  Thinking of family and friends and if our relationships are richer, less so, etc.  And I have to wonder if I have any objectivity at all.  If I am honest, I can be so self-focused that, unlike the One I love and serve, I forget to think of others as I should.  However, when that happens, He gently taps me on the shoulder and reminds me.  I am so thankful for these reminders and that He is faithful when I am not.

What comes to mind today is that as of late there is expression within me that has to find its way out through simple drawings and colorings, childlike really, but it gives me peace.  And writing, always writing.  Even though it's not the best, words powerfully paint the canvas of the page with my thoughts and it's what I have to do.  Like a new friend of mine, Rebekah, though she is a much better writer than I, it's just this need that you can't deny, they gotta get out or you suffer.  Once spilled out onto the page, the peace comes.

What the Lord has shown me this past year, more than any other time in my life, is that He doesn't really need me to do anything.  He instructs me how to behave, has told me to pray unceasing, so I try to do those things.  But there has been 2 huge things that have been answers to prayer that He really did it all without me.  I think I was faithful to pray for these things, and did what came to me, but it was really...and always has been...all Him.  I call them miracles, for me, they are.  When minds and hearts and circumstances radically change, do a 180, there's no explanation but God.  And though I strive to give Him glory for every precious blessing I have, these are things that would never have happened if His hand was not in it.

What a God to have.  So much love, so much patience, long-suffering, kind, loving, gentle, there just aren't enough adjectives that do justice.  The unbeliever will read this and not understand it at all, my son being one.  Those who are believers will understand perfectly, and smile with sweet knowing.

Years spent in worry.  It's what I do, though that is changing to "did."  Not there yet, but i'm learning.  If your life is in His hands, nothing you can do or not do, will affect His will.  And though it's been years spent not particularly happy with His will, I always knew He holds us in His hands.  There have been ugly segments of time with a war of wills between us.  As foolish as I knew it was even at the time, I would wrestle with Him for control and resent Him for not handing it over.  Like a small child who wants to play in the street, my own thinking seemed right to me.  And don't get me wrong, some of it is still a mystery, what I wanted wasn't wrong, in fact it was Biblical, but it wasn't His time yet.  I have come to rely on my Heavenly Father to patiently hold me close as I writhe and struggle against Him, only to wear myself out and collapse in a heap, His arms forever catching me.  

So as I reflect this Autumn of 2013, I do see growth.  I see over all, love.  Love that will watch over my prodigal and whether I am breathing or gone home, will continue to woo him, who has all my loved ones in view and works all things to bring them to Him.  I have learned that there is such rest and peace in knowing that He is working, regardless of what I see at the time.  What peace.  What love.  

Mother's Hearts

I have been thinking lately about the mother-child relationship and how as a mom, that drive to protect, nurture, shelter, feed, etc. just never leaves.  But if not exercised in a healthy way can throw the lives involved into a never-ending conglomerate of dysfunction.  

A few years ago, I believe that was the case for me and my son, Josh.  Having watched him become destructive to his own life and others, I tried desperately to control and protect him.  I couldn't stand to see him land where his hap-hazard behavior was propelling him.

After years of him equally circumventing my numerous attempts at "straightening him out," the Lord showed me I was not helping him, and was wearing myself out needlessly.  I needed to truly give him to the Lord and by doing so, force him to face the consequences of his actions.  What I thought would rench my heart irrevocably, as the Lord obviously knew, actually accomplished what I could not.  My son did indeed find himself at his end.  But not the bottom.  I have still yet to see that, though I thought I had.

My quandary is this:  the Lord put into a mother's heart the desire for the welfare of her child above all else.  When they are little, they need this.  Once grown, I had to accept that he was an adult making very foolish choices and though he couldn't see the tragedy that lie ahead, and I could, I had to let him go.  I could not save him from himself.  He now lives in prison and my heart is broken for that.  Only God.

But the thing that can torment me is all those maternal feelings that are good and necessary for the baby and child are still there, though the man has carried himself into the heart of darkness.  So long as I live, my heart will be for him and with him.  I will forever, as he walks toward me, also see the little guy that made my heart sing.  And as I look at this broken, wounded man, I know that no amount of human love, acceptance and understanding can bring the healing he so desperately needs.  Only Christ can offer the absolution his soul and mind and heart need.  The washing and renewing that can only come from repentance and acceptance of the only love that loves him totally purely and completely.  Only God is capable of looking at the regenerate soul and not remember all the wrongs.

But for now, my mother's heart just hurts.  I long to see him swagger in the door, smiling that great smile, making me laugh at something silly.  I want to share with him as we always have, and he actually had some good advice at times.  I listened.  Too bad he didn't listen to me more. ♥

Still Learning

Took my usual early morning walk with my daughter and her pup.  We started up the street to the corner, and when we turned there it was.  The moon, brilliantly silver, you could hardly look at it for the brightness!  I love the moon anyhow, so this was spectacular.  

We walked along, my daughter and Mattie on one side of the street, me and Sadie-bug on the other.  My precious child gets jealous if Mattie is ahead of her, so that's our solution.  The solitude in the early morning is my favorite thing.  Everything just waiting for the creeping sun to split the dark and rise.  You can occasionally hear a critter behind a bush or in a tree and they too are waking and preparing for the day.  

As is my custom, I pray as I walk.  I have been pondering Romans 12:12 ever since my sweet sis-in-law wrote it in my birthday card.  What an excellent verse.  As I prayed, with our situation as it is, knowing that nothing stays the same forever, asked the Lord for joy and abundance in the year to come.  It's been a very, very long time without work, without money for anything.  That said, the Lord is faithful in His care for us, always having a roof over our head and good food to eat, all absolute needs met, and sometimes more than that.  But eventually you get so weary of it all, we not only long to be able to have enough, but to have enough to share.  

Without rebuke, more "in addition to", I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, Joy In abundance.  The Joy of the Lord is not dependent on any circumstance.  He may well choose to bless us with excess, He may sovereignly choose not to, either way, His joy is within us.  So yes, pray for joy in abundance too.  It has understandably been lacking for a while, yet that is our bad.  It is available always no matter what's going on.

It has taken me to the age of 59 to grasp that even a little bit.  He is patient and faithful regardless.  So that is my prayer, that we have joy in abundance for all our days.  We have family that we love and love us, dear, dear friends that we also love and love us, we have had the last 6 years together and that alone has been so very sweet and cherished.  Often  when times get this difficult, the couple turn on each other or start to lay blame, that has never happened, again i'm sure due to His presence in our hearts.  We just appreciate the time together, hoping that it ends soon, lol.  So like the guys in the furnace, we hope to emerge smoke-free, a sweet aroma to our God.  We know we fail at times, but are eager to hit our knees and gladly accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy He offers, setting all to right again.  

So that is my addition to my prayers.  Yes, Lord, give us joy in abundance and thank You for always being faithful to what You said.

Stay strong.

Gently Carpe Diem

I was reminded recently that life is short, no one knows what each day holds.  So, within reason, I am making some slightly different decisions.  Little ones, usually only I know that i've done so.  

I am making some choices, one being to spend more time with loved ones being the top priority.  After that, and this one's tricky, to choose quality over quantity.  Being aware of precious time does not mean to abuse anything.  

I think one of the things most wasted is time, particularly when you are in the circumstances that we, and many others unemployed, are in.  There is simply no way round it.  You do not feel able to volunteer for much, and so you have all this time.  But even that can be put to better use if you try.  Learn a language, read some literature, etc.   

I am also trying to be more attentive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We visited another church yesterday.  How refreshing for the Spirit to have free reign.  That does not mean craziness, it means following His lead.  The peace of silence and His speaking to my heart has been longed for, for some time.  I could feel Him, I sensed His presence in the quiet of my soul, it was affirming and loving and warm.  I need those things now, and as much as I can get.  There were "words" from the Lord that spoke to me and let me know He sees, He knows and He has not abandoned us, help will come in His time.

This morning I realized I have this blog.  No one reads it really, but that's okay, I write for me, always have.  Just get it out.  My writing is not eloquent or grammatically correct much of the time, but it's always, always from the heart.

And so, on this Monday, the start of a new week, I will do my best to lay down some new paths and think some new thoughts and believe with all my heart that God loves us.

The Lava Lamp Principle

On the heels of a very blessed, wonderful, tiring week with our grandkids, we received some unwelcome news that I am not at liberty to share on here yet.  It was kind of the last straw on this camel's back.  Internally I crumbled, was on my knees and so completely yielded to the Father.  Today, a little numb, sad and mentally exhausted, I watch my lava lamp.  The bubbles go up and down, changing, never the same twice and it occurs to me that is life.  I mean you just never know what lies ahead, joy, sorrow, whatever, it inherently owns change.  

I am thinking that perhaps there is no "arrival", it just is what it is until it's over.  That sounds bleak, and I don't mean it to.  There are joys along the way, but in the heart of this soon-to-be 59 year old child, there is expectation of a time when all is well, and with everyone that I love and care about.  Clearly that is indeed childish and unrealistic.  I know perfectly well that what I am longing for is Heaven, where there is no sorrow, no tears, no illness, no heartache.  And this is definitely not Heaven, so I have been chasing a dream that cannot be.

It is indeed the trick to find joy in the moment as they say, something that in my stubbornness and eternal optimism I found wanting.  I want permanent....at least for a little while, lol....happiness, health, "enough" for all.  I attribute it to a change in the culture and what have you, but as a child, that's the way life was for a while.  I had absolutely no fear of my parents not being together, of us losing our home or having enough, etc.  That world all seems like a dream now.  I am surrounded by young people who either have a sense of entitlement, are over-achievers, or are kind of rude and insensitive, or by others who amount to nothing and have no expectations at all.  

And then there's us, no work in over 6 years, in spite of trying everything we know, applying anywhere we can find and being more than willing to relocate.  The barriers in our various family member's lives, the unemployment and all that brings, and it's a lot, the sale of our building, not knowing where we'll go when the time comes, and then yesterday's news, all I can do is go to the cross, lay everything at His feet and weep, knowing that He sees, He knows.  At times that makes me furious with Him however, how can He watch and know and not do something!  But just as i'm entertaining this thought, I hear far off laughter, sinister and dark, so I rid my mind of those thoughts and return to what I know of Him.  Love, mercy, grace, these things I know in full and I know I must trust in Him because of them.  The Word is full of warnings of the coming times when even the most elite will fall.  

I just want to be with Him and have His perspective.  So I stay in the Word, there is my strength, and I talk to Him, incessantly at times, knowing the One I talk to loves me more than I can fathom, no matter what things look like.  Just as my kids when they were little couldn't understand everything I did, I will never fathom His thoughts, they are higher than mine, and I must just keep walking by faith.  

I may never know this side of Heaven why things have had to be the way they are.  I do know this, I am very, very blessed even in the midst of all this junk.  The people in my life are inspirational and loving.  They help us, they pray for us, they love us and that is really what this is all about I think.  Relationship, all the details are just that, details.  One day I will look into His eyes and everything will be perfect.

Answered Prayer

There are little people that come into the world that you bonded with before that ever happened.  These can be children of course, but it can also be Grandchildren.  Through many events, we haven't gotten to see ours very much.  But they are coming for a visit on Sunday and will return home on Friday.

My heart beats with new fervor, the world looks a little rosier, my step a little lighter.  There is something about holding their little hands and knowing that this is the carrying on of our family, my blood doesn't flow in their veins, my son is adopted, but never the less, the feeling is the same.  They are part of me, my son and their mom.

They are so precious to me.  Every mannerism, twinkle in their eyes just endears them to me even more.  It is fun to be the grandma as opposed to the mom, lol.  I can let them eat sugar, stay up late, whatever we want.  They are royalty to me and their wish is my command if possible.  Particularly these two who have not had an easy road of it.  Their mom does a good job and seeing to their needs, but she is struggling to keep their heads above water and my son has been of no help at all, and especially now that he is in prison.  This brought a whole new bunch of problems to these two angels.  My heart's desire is to have them have a week with no worries, only peace and fun.

Before you have grandkids, you don't quite get what all the hubbub's about...then you have them and you get it.  The sun indeed rises and sets with them.  Your heart overflows with desires for a happy and healthy life for them.  

Because we haven't seen them is so long, Sunday is a day I never knew would happen again, like a dream.  I know when we are together, we will fall right back into place, and tho we have no money to do anything, we will have picnics, park runs and maybe some ice cream at Blind George's and a soda at the Pharmacy.  This will have to do, but they won't know we're making do, cuz they're good kids and not spoiled, they'll have a good time, we'll have a good time and we'll all fall in love all over again.  And hopefully we will see them more if God allows.  

My heart overflows right now.  Precious little smiles and hugs will soon be ours.  And as a secondary blessing, they are bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh too, a real life connection to my son who is gone for such a long time.  I can see him in their sweet faces.  Thank You Lord for this unspeakably cherished gift.

Spiritual Workouts

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."   Isaiah 43:2

Endurance.  Perseverance.  We hear these words, but usually we secretly hope we never have to exercise these spiritual muscles.  How we handle trials will determine whether our faith strengthens or fades.  We can sound lofty and idyllic all we want, but if we fade with the coming of trials, all our speech is for naught. 

The really hard trials, the loss of a child, a terminal disease, prolonged unemployment, the loss of one's home, etc., these things can break us, but that is not always bad.  When we are truly broken, we find we are not enough in ourselves to make it through.  It is at that moment that we either let bitterness and depression get a foothold, or cry out to God for help, which He is always faithful to give.  "He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler."  Psalm 91: 4

He may not always change our circumstances, and this is where it gets gritty, He did not promise to do that, He promised to see us through and never leave us.  .  As we grow in our faith, at first this can seem like little comfort and help, but as we grow and mature, we see the true gift that it is.  Banging our heads against the wall helps nothing and only gives us a headache.  Quietly trusting, even when our hearts are absolutely breaking, will bring us through to the other side with a confidence in our God that we had not before experienced.  Which leads to greater faith for whatever comes. 

We are strengthened, with an unshakable belief that God will never fail us, which enables us to minister to those around us.  Literally being a trail blazer to another sojourner in need of a scout to show the way.  I pray that we all experience this kind of intimacy with the Savior, resulting in an even closer bond with the One who is Everything.