Thoughts

When everything goes dim and muddy, how do you find your way out.  Things may never become clear and crystal, you may have to crawl your way over the finish line.  Other writers extol the virtues of never giving up on one's prodigal, while yours is in the next room, not okay.  I fear I may not live to see him be okay, so maybe he won't ever be.  And that one fact can steal every future joy and hope away from my heart.  I believe he came to know God, but i'm not seeing any fruit, any evidence.  But I do see some changes and that might be a seed for hope.  Even if I never see it grow to fruition.

There are writers who get to glean wonderful things from their lives and share it eloquently and succinctly.  I think I tend to write like I feel...confused, muddled, bewildered at times.  And my process is to talk it out, or write it out.  Therefore I become wordy and unclear.  All I know to do is write from my heart, get it out, look at it, or hear it.

Things have transpired between my prodigal and I that have wounded us both, wounds we won't ever forget most likely.  How does that make the Father's heart feel I wonder.  What does He think of these two wounded people, crippled in their own ways, who can't believe enough in Him to put things aside, put Him first and get on with healing?  Everyone who knows me knows how I love this kid.  That there's a soft spot for him in my heart.  When others would be done, or at the least turn away, I open my figurative arms and take him in, yet again.

Nothing I can say can keep me from sounding like a mom with blinders on.  Like I don't see the things that others see.  Like I have this Pollyanna view of him that turns every frown upside down in some wierd "Joker" style vision.  Not true, I see, I know, but my love for him is deep and wide, and forgiving and constant.  Some say I enable, i'm not sure.  Does my Father enable me when He still loves me and reaches down to pick me up yet again?

All that said, this child, my child, is a man now.  He has a man's decisions to make.  And I am finding it more and more feeling right to release my opinions and judgments.  He needs to make his way kind of on his own.  My years are numbered.  Bad health choices are taking their toll, every day is a gift, whether I have one more day left, or 20 more years, all by the grace of a loving God.

The one thing too, that this man doesn't realize is that there's a whole clan of cheerleaders rooting him on.  Sad that he sees them as critics and judges.

This really didn't start out to be about him, but unless I know that he is following Christ with his whole heart, the unrest will not leave.  I fear that life will simply be a series of letting go, giving him to God over and over until I am Home.

It's just life at the moment.  The realization you have at a certain age that many dreams will never come true, the ugly truth about certain choices you've made and consequences you cannot avoid.  All that said, there are other truths.  The joy that both children give, and grandchildren.  The love that you feel in the circle of your family...blood and not blood.  And the most precious, mysterious, blissful blessing of this man, this union that is so powerful, the love in it is unutterable.  The blessings of waking every single day, hearing the birds sing, enjoying every average day for what it is, a gift.  Nothing is guaranteed but Christ.  And in this muddled, misty space, Christ is over all and when I'm in His presence, I know everything will be alright...in Him.

Surrender

The pull and push of every day events can sometimes make me feel as if i'm being pulled apart.  This morning I decided.  I decided that I would just draw close to the One who knows me best and just rest there for a while.  Not for an hour, a day, but for some time to come....perhaps forever.  We have too many personalities in our home these days.  It seems someone is not happy about something every day.  Not an angry, fighting unhappiness, just a quiet, disgruntled unhappiness.  And me, wife and mother and grandma, wants to fix it all, knowing in my heart that I can't.  So this morning, when used as a sounding board yet again, and perceived as a stone-thrower, I just decided.  I will rest my soul in the presence of the Lord.  He will take me in, while I love and serve and do my best.  He will tell me that is enough and give me rest.

Something shifted inside me this morning.  It does no good for me to attempt to explain to those that either won't understand, or won't accept what i'm saying, so why say it.  I love all concerned and i'll just continue with that in the forefront of my mind and my heart.  In a sense it's that "take care of you" thing.  I love my family, I want the best for my family and i'm doing what I perceive as my best to contribute to that.  It is no longer up for debate, i'm just gonna be looking up as best I can from here into eternity.  There is no darkness in Him, He is safe, always, all the time.  I will simply fall into Jesus and operate from there.  I surrender all.

Grace & Mercy

For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.~John 1:16

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.~Lamentations 3:22-23

                                         

What an unfathomable thing.  Grace upon grace & new mercies every morning.  My human mind cannot wrap around these things.  Pastor said Sunday, be a blessing, even if people are mean and don't understand you, spitefully use you, be a blessing.  Sounds beautiful and lofty, but try to apply it in the heat of battle and I seldom attain it.  The little growth I see is that at least I usually don't retaliate, I withdraw and stay silent.  Steps in the right direction, but I definitely need to go further and try and be a blessing.

How can I not, when I receive His grace and mercy so freely given?  Everyone has situations in their lives where they are misunderstood, motives are suspect when they shouldn't be, the Christian who has mastered mercy and grace has one foot in Heaven I believe.  They "get it" and are in tune with the Savior they serve.  We are simply so geared for tit for tat that Jesus' teachings fall by the wayside as archaic, or not practical in the "real world," when the real world is not what we see with our eyes.  In the Real World, forgiveness, mercy & grace reign supreme....almost, if I have everything, all these, but have not love I have nothing.  So it is that love reigns supreme, and love.....well.....  Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.   ~ I Corinthians 13:1-10

 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.~ I Corinthians 13:13

I am coming to Him almost daily, asking for Him to help me to act reflecting Him, and that is reflecting love.  I John 4:8.  So, I am striving to not act or react out of my hurt feelings or pride, but rather out of love.  I know a few people that do this all the time......Sue Hayworth, you know who you are!  I definitely do not. 

But that is the beauty of the Holy Spirit, He changes us really without our help, simply a willing spirit.  So I have hope that as time goes on, decisions, reflections, ponderings will be tinged with His love, not judgment or negativity. As I spend time in His Word and in prayer change can come.  I am thankful to have people in my life that love me "as is," and in the meantime, patience must be had......not so easy for me.  ;)

He is Faithful

3 God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. ~ Deuteronomy 30:3

This is what it feels like at my house today.  Last night 3 of our 4 kids were with us, pizza, laughter and a healing begun in a relationship broken.  And this time....this time....all know and serve the Lord.  As a mom, nothing else is better in the whole world, and to get to share it with my husband, and that's a sacred word to me, "husband", it was simply Heaven on earth to me.  We hardly ever get to see Molly & Will.  Such sweet and generous kids, love them so much.

It can't always be about Josh, but this is still so new to me, this new man, witnessing changes only the Living God can bring about, is astounding.  Our home filled with love and peace.  Obviously, there is adjusting going on, but I think we're doing pretty well.

  I can look back over my life and realize very astutely that the Lord has been with me every step, though it didn't feel like it often times.  Never the less, He was, watching over me, caring for me, at times when I didn't care much for myself.

And then the boy being locked up for 4 years.  For most of that time I just couldn't wholly face it.  I pushed it way down to keep from thinking about it.  I loved him so much that the thought of what he could be dealing with was too much for me.  And again, the Lord sustained.  And when we picked him up in the cold, damp of early morning, it was as though the dam burst and the last 4 years of pain flowed out and was replaced with some of the purest joy i've ever experienced.

And Dave, my beloved, my heart, sharer of my essence, I cannot believe every day how blessed I am to be married to him.  That is not to say that every day is blissful and exciting and perfect, lol, but it is to say that the deep love and affection I feel for him is fresh every day and I remember the lonely, dark days and am filled with excitement and gratitude anew.  He loves me truly, takes care of me in the sweetest ways.  As I like to say, I am terminally smitten, I cherish him every single day.

So right now, this very minute, this very day, my heart is full to overflowing.  This is as good as it gets down here.  I think of single friends who would like to marry and feel their pain, those suffering with cancer and my heart breaks for them, etc.  I am not oblivious to the heartache around me and I empathize.  So I say thank You to the One who is Everything for this season, and pray on behalf of those I care about.

Pinching myself.