Standing Alone

I have a son in prison.  It was a long road to get there.  He burned every bridge he had.  He has burned mine....but the Lord and I rebuilt it....again and again.

He is my son.  Every time I say those words a lump forms in my throat.  It is a sacred utterance.  I vowed to love and care for him when we adopted him at 4 weeks old.  It is a lifelong endeavor.  I saw a picture on Facebook today that resonated within me.  I will, as long as I live, be beside him, my hand striving to settle the storms that seem to rage within him.  I know there is only One that can actually and permanently do that, but until Josh accepts this great love, my hand will not be moved.  He is my son, I can't not love him, I can't not see his potential, even in the face of all he's done.  He is my son.  When all others are hurt, again and again, and finally have enough and walk away, as they should I might add, I will not.  Everyone needs at least one person not to give up on them, and that is mom. 

I do not know if the day will come that I see him take the salvation offered from a loving God, or appreciate all others have done for him with a humble spirit, I only know that I am firmly planted beside him, forever. 

Intelligent, on the Honor Roll several times, artistic, talented writer.  I've seen him literally give the shirt off his back to a street person when he himself had nothing, his heart which aches for his children.  There are such good, good things within him.  But then there is the darkness.  Blinded by self, he goes off on the path he chooses which hurts not only others, but also himself.

He is my son.  I've seen him sparkle and shine.  This stance beside him has seen fewer and fewer souls who can withstand his forays into the bizarre and narcissism.  And now I am sensing opposition as well for refusing to turn away from him.  He is my son.  That's enough, I will see this through until the Lord calls me home.  My heart hurts at how alone and abandoned he must feel right now.  My head can spin at it all.  How best to handle issues with him.  I only know that I love him, and nothing he can do will ever change that.  I ultimately end up with that sacred phrase when I struggle...he is my son.

For Today

It's my favorite time of year.  Like a lot of people, Fall fills me with warmth, anticipation of soft fabrics against my skin, that wonderful, warm tingling when you've been chilled and then get warm again.  All of the comforting things of the season, pumpkins, warm cider, fires, falling leaves, and on it goes. 

I look out back and find our lawn chairs pad-less and ready to be stored for the Winter, something we've never had to worry about before.  They look odd and out of place now.  They remind me of Summer days, when people sat on them, around the table eating Summer fare, laughter and love shared.  It was a great Summer really.  The heat got to me, we will be better prepared next year hopefully.  But dreams fulfilled, that's what Summer was.  To be in a house again, after 24 years brought a peace to my soul that I cannot even describe.  Granted, it's not ours, we're still renting and most likely will always be, but never the less, the Lord gave us this place as surely as anything and I am forever grateful, for as long as it lasts.  Watching my little Sadie-bug laying out in the sun will be in my heart forever, she never could before.  She can now chase the little resident squirrel when he comes into our yard and the birds to her little Badger-dog heart's content.

As Summer passed with BBQ's, guests and settling in, we have now moved into my favorite season.  That alligator has reared his ugly head loud and clear....and honestly, it's not always without help from me.  Questions, health issues, doubts, it is my nature to be melancholy anyhow and I do become super-introspective in the Fall and Winter.  I am finding as I mature, after the Wilderness Years, anticipation, joy and expectancy are failing.  Never in the Lord, He is my joy always.  I mean life events, because you can never guess the outcome, or be assured of it, I am just sort of numb.  I am praying that it returns. 

More than ever before, I know that He is all there is ultimately.  Knowing Christ is so, so sweet and precious.  For my security-conscious soul, He is the only real security there is.  My struggle is having that be enough.  Life turns out differently than we could ever have dreamed.  At an age when retirement should be around the corner, we are just beginning, knowing Dave will have to work until he cannot. 

But here's what I have to do every day.  For today, he has a job and we have our place.  We have our needs met and Will is coming for a couple days.  And that is what life is about, other than the Lord.  Family and friends and time spent together.  So the chicken stock is bubbling away on the stove, the little red dog sleeping on the red chair, lol, music by David Nevue playing, the ground wet and glistening.  Today there is no surgery, I know where Josh is, that he has food and shelter.  Today everything is alright and I lift hands and heart to God in thanks.♥

Observations on the Way Home

Days are filled with making appointments, homemaking and being in here, my blessed Monastery.  I named this room the Monastery because it felt sacred as soon as we got it together.  I often have my devotions in here, read the Word, pray.  Some candles, incense and music from Pandora.  This room is my sanctuary, I can just turn left to look out at the back yard I thought I may never have again.  This morning is overcast and a little foggy, my very favorite kind of morning.  I looked out and thought I could see a squirrel around the bottom of the apple tree.  Got my binoculars and sure enough.  He, or she, is a beauty.  A simple gray squirrel, but bushy, beautiful tail, he was holding one of the crab apples and having breakfast.  I am not heartless, lol, I waited until he stopped eating to alert my mighty huntress Sadie-dog.  I walked softly to the kitchen where she was and whispered, "Sadie" she knows what that behavior means and was to the sliding door like a shot, I opened it and off she went, and off he went, lol, her little badger-dog instincts full tilt.

This little bit of mundane activity is Heaven for me.  It nourishes my soul.  We have a chain link fence, and there is a business right behind us, so not much privacy.  I thought it would really bother me, but i've gotten used to it.  We still have our resident squirrel, a bluebird that hangs around and seemingly in cyclical fashion, some crows, which I love. 

Our table, umbrella and chairs now sit idle.  We must bring them in for the Winter.  But the jalapeno plant and herbs thrive still, producing.  Pumpkins and mums adorn the front of Fairhaven....that's the name of our little place.  A sister name to a not-blood sister's home, Bridgehaven.  :) 

I'm wondering whether to actually post this or not, I mean, what's the point?  The point is that no matter what is happening in life, solace can always be found in nature and in our own little nests.  When Christ is the center of everything, there is blessing where He is.  I'm learning that just because the Lord allowed a season in the wilderness, doesn't mean once delivered you will live care-free.  I suppose it means you're better equipped for what may lie ahead, or at any rate, definitely filled with gratitude that He's with you and promised to see you through anything.  Which prompts my heart to pray for those that do not know His love, grace and mercy.  Enjoying this season with my love, craving time with loved ones, making the way home.

Being A Mom is Hard

Even as I began writing this, I automatically put the date in, had to delete it, because that's how my letters to him always begin. 

Josh has decided that I have acted as though I abandoned him while he is in prison.  Because I couldn't send money, do all that he asked me to, that I don't love him as I said I did.  He discounts all the things i've done for him since the year 2000, which was the beginning of a descent into hell with him, that only eased in recent years.....until he wound up in prison.

He was really the one person in the world that I thought "got" certain things about me and I relied on his love if nothing else.  Now that is shaken, and some tell me it will revert back to the way it was upon his release.  I don't see how it can.  He has forever changed our way of relating to one another.  He has become an emotionally unsafe person.

My heart breaks over and over.  I give him to God, take him back and endlessly repeat.  Health issues are arising that will most likely be fine, but put my mind on the last part of my life.  How I have prayed for this boy, the man, my son.  And now, he doesn't have a clue.  If I had a million dollars, i'd give it to him and walk away, because there comes a time when the hurt is too great and it doesn't end.  That way, he'd know I love him and i'd be spared any of the rest.

Days come and go.  Most are so sweet with David, my love, my life.  There are exceptional ones that sparkle and shimmer with perfection and joy.  But always, always he flits through my mind like a shadow across the wall.  And the pain of it all, which was once tolerable because at least we had a good relationship, is now too much.  I want to run away, knowing that wouldn't help, he'll always be "in here."

These exchanges are packed full of baggage from things from the past.  I'm not going there again, I shouldn't have to.  As always, the only way to survive such gashing, deep pain is to crawl to the foot of the cross and lay it all down.  I cannot begin to describe the gratitude in my heart for a Savior that accepts me as I am, fills me with Himself and carries the burden for me.  What love.  What grace, what mercy.

Life's Winter

As I approach 60, I find myself extremely contemplative.  The realization that some dreams will never come true is sobering and sad to me.  I have decided not to try to balance that with anything.  Just let it be, let myself be, my soul be.  Move through my days knowing that I need to be fully present and deliberate in my loving and caring.  All my life when someone I love has faced a difficulty, my natural response is to "fix" it.  Quickly, trying to spare them pain, or at the least, lessen that pain.  It's taken 60 years to realize that to react that way may be robbing them of valuable lessons, or growth, or both. 

People's journeys are their own, between them and God.  Barring those times when intervention is truly appropriate, to step in prematurely is to mess with what God may be trying to do.  I need to be more sensitive to the Spirit's leading, and less empathetic to the point of interfering.  I have to ask myself, what if I have delayed salvation by interjecting or "saving" someone from dire circumstances, when they might have turned to God.

For me, some of the inisghts gained from this many years' living, should have happened long ago.  But then again, a firm belief that He created each one of us with our own bents and talents and ways of thinking, I decide that it was my path and I had to walk it my own way, as each must.  The things that I regret is that I only learned in the last few years that I have stressed far too much, when all I had to do was let go.  Release all plans, fears, joys, hopes, circumstances into His loving hands and rest in Him.  No matter what.  Peace is what He offers, promised, and He is faithful.

So, for my prodigal, ever on my mind, for my precious grandchildren whom I worry over, for all the people and things that to me are in dire need of help, I know that I can do nothing but encourage and stay out of the way.  Trust in Him to care for them and to lead and draw them. 

I watch a gray squirrel from my Monastery window.  See how the Lord feeds and takes care of wild things.  The lesson is not lost on me.  I am so grateful to the Lord for watching over my son, covering him in protection, grace and mercy.  I hope I live to see his true salvation, but it is not a desperate hope as it once was.  There is peace, trust and comfort.  My gaze is shifting from this temporal place to my true Home.  To look into the eyes that have watched me my whole life, known my motives and walked with me is overwhelming, but now the promise that is closer than it used to be.  No fear, just quiet expectation.