Surrender

The pull and push of every day events can sometimes make me feel as if i'm being pulled apart.  This morning I decided.  I decided that I would just draw close to the One who knows me best and just rest there for a while.  Not for an hour, a day, but for some time to come....perhaps forever.  We have too many personalities in our home these days.  It seems someone is not happy about something every day.  Not an angry, fighting unhappiness, just a quiet, disgruntled unhappiness.  And me, wife and mother and grandma, wants to fix it all, knowing in my heart that I can't.  So this morning, when used as a sounding board yet again, and perceived as a stone-thrower, I just decided.  I will rest my soul in the presence of the Lord.  He will take me in, while I love and serve and do my best.  He will tell me that is enough and give me rest.

Something shifted inside me this morning.  It does no good for me to attempt to explain to those that either won't understand, or won't accept what i'm saying, so why say it.  I love all concerned and i'll just continue with that in the forefront of my mind and my heart.  In a sense it's that "take care of you" thing.  I love my family, I want the best for my family and i'm doing what I perceive as my best to contribute to that.  It is no longer up for debate, i'm just gonna be looking up as best I can from here into eternity.  There is no darkness in Him, He is safe, always, all the time.  I will simply fall into Jesus and operate from there.  I surrender all.

Grace & Mercy

For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.~John 1:16

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.~Lamentations 3:22-23

                                         

What an unfathomable thing.  Grace upon grace & new mercies every morning.  My human mind cannot wrap around these things.  Pastor said Sunday, be a blessing, even if people are mean and don't understand you, spitefully use you, be a blessing.  Sounds beautiful and lofty, but try to apply it in the heat of battle and I seldom attain it.  The little growth I see is that at least I usually don't retaliate, I withdraw and stay silent.  Steps in the right direction, but I definitely need to go further and try and be a blessing.

How can I not, when I receive His grace and mercy so freely given?  Everyone has situations in their lives where they are misunderstood, motives are suspect when they shouldn't be, the Christian who has mastered mercy and grace has one foot in Heaven I believe.  They "get it" and are in tune with the Savior they serve.  We are simply so geared for tit for tat that Jesus' teachings fall by the wayside as archaic, or not practical in the "real world," when the real world is not what we see with our eyes.  In the Real World, forgiveness, mercy & grace reign supreme....almost, if I have everything, all these, but have not love I have nothing.  So it is that love reigns supreme, and love.....well.....  Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.   ~ I Corinthians 13:1-10

 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.~ I Corinthians 13:13

I am coming to Him almost daily, asking for Him to help me to act reflecting Him, and that is reflecting love.  I John 4:8.  So, I am striving to not act or react out of my hurt feelings or pride, but rather out of love.  I know a few people that do this all the time......Sue Hayworth, you know who you are!  I definitely do not. 

But that is the beauty of the Holy Spirit, He changes us really without our help, simply a willing spirit.  So I have hope that as time goes on, decisions, reflections, ponderings will be tinged with His love, not judgment or negativity. As I spend time in His Word and in prayer change can come.  I am thankful to have people in my life that love me "as is," and in the meantime, patience must be had......not so easy for me.  ;)

He is Faithful

3 God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. ~ Deuteronomy 30:3

This is what it feels like at my house today.  Last night 3 of our 4 kids were with us, pizza, laughter and a healing begun in a relationship broken.  And this time....this time....all know and serve the Lord.  As a mom, nothing else is better in the whole world, and to get to share it with my husband, and that's a sacred word to me, "husband", it was simply Heaven on earth to me.  We hardly ever get to see Molly & Will.  Such sweet and generous kids, love them so much.

It can't always be about Josh, but this is still so new to me, this new man, witnessing changes only the Living God can bring about, is astounding.  Our home filled with love and peace.  Obviously, there is adjusting going on, but I think we're doing pretty well.

  I can look back over my life and realize very astutely that the Lord has been with me every step, though it didn't feel like it often times.  Never the less, He was, watching over me, caring for me, at times when I didn't care much for myself.

And then the boy being locked up for 4 years.  For most of that time I just couldn't wholly face it.  I pushed it way down to keep from thinking about it.  I loved him so much that the thought of what he could be dealing with was too much for me.  And again, the Lord sustained.  And when we picked him up in the cold, damp of early morning, it was as though the dam burst and the last 4 years of pain flowed out and was replaced with some of the purest joy i've ever experienced.

And Dave, my beloved, my heart, sharer of my essence, I cannot believe every day how blessed I am to be married to him.  That is not to say that every day is blissful and exciting and perfect, lol, but it is to say that the deep love and affection I feel for him is fresh every day and I remember the lonely, dark days and am filled with excitement and gratitude anew.  He loves me truly, takes care of me in the sweetest ways.  As I like to say, I am terminally smitten, I cherish him every single day.

So right now, this very minute, this very day, my heart is full to overflowing.  This is as good as it gets down here.  I think of single friends who would like to marry and feel their pain, those suffering with cancer and my heart breaks for them, etc.  I am not oblivious to the heartache around me and I empathize.  So I say thank You to the One who is Everything for this season, and pray on behalf of those I care about.

Pinching myself.

A New Life

So here I am.  There's a miracle walking around my house every day and I can hardly believe it sometimes.  The ups and downs, many more downs, his own personal 4-year long ordeal, and here's this man.  Looks just like Josh. ;)  But gone is the anger, the entitlement attitude, the ungratefulness and so much more.  Here stands a man transformed by the Spirit of the Living God.  People rarely change, they can if they work really, really hard, but what they don't have is that sweet spirit that only the Lord can give us.  And I see it in my son.  He is considerate, thankful to us and God, helpful around here, etc.  I could go on and on about how he's changed and the things he does, but my point in this is the power of God to bring change and give peace, not as the world gives.

There is a sweetness to Josh now that was not there before.  God, in His mighty love, either brings us to where we realize our need for salvation, or uses what we've done to ourselves or our circumstances to do that.  As my Pastor said, He's chasing us because He wants to bless us and we run from Him!  So true for us all until we surrender to that big love. 

I don't really wanna make this an ode to Josh, but I wasn't there to watch the change, I only saw before and after, and I can tell you that "after" is remarkably different than "before."  And as his mom, the greatest thing for me in it all, is to know that deep in his heart, he now has peace and that we will be together in Heaven.  As I get older, I have come to realize that eternity is what life is all about, as paradoxical as that sounds.  So, part of my days right now are spent gratefully in conversation and sharing with my re-born son.♥