Things Lost In the Fire

I'm not sure if it's the move, the season of life or what, but memories seem to be dropping in unexpectedly very often these days.  My first marriage, 17 years of my young life.  He left me for someone else, insisted on and won shared custody, which has scarred the 3 of us, Joshua, Molly & myself. 

As I watched my husband mowing the lawn through the sliding screen door last evening, admiring his form, his heart, I remembered the first.  The differences between the two couldn't be more extreme.  Here's the chain of my thinking, wow, we own a lawn mower, I owned one once before, and there you go, memories.  Thinking of all that was lost, lawn mower, furniture, "stuff" that has to be divided when divorce happens.

And even now, though healing has occurred, hard fought, hard won through nothing less than the blood of Christ, that feeling of betrayal and pain sprints across my heart momentarily.  And holding its hand across my heart's landscape, fear.  I mean I was sure of him, would've bet my life on him.  "What if Dave...", but no, there is a distinct difference.  David loves God, first did not.  And because David loves God, he has integrity, honor, and a love for me that occasionally takes my breath away when revealed.  He's not one to share feelings beyond "I love you," so when he does, seriously, I can lose breath at what he says.

But there were things that were lost, that have not been redeemed.  My sweet little kids' innocence, Molly just 3, Josh 7, when he did what he did.  Joshua would go through the house and put all the pictures he could reach of us, face down.  :(  Molly, too little to have a clue of what was happening, just went with the flow.  And every other week, when he picked them up, they not wanting to go, me not wanting them to go, I would watch the car disappear, Josh and I locked onto one another's eyes until he was too far away.  I would go lay on the bed and cry.  It remained that way until they left home. 

Josh sits in a prison cell today.  I make no excuses for him, our choices are our own.  I simply make the observation that when someone feels so betrayed by the one they should have been able to trust the most at such a young age, it will come out somewhere.  I had the Lord and as always, He was faithful.  Josh has rebelled and blamed God for the destruction of his home.  I keep praying, always will. 

Molly has her own deep issues.  But she does have the Lord and He will get her through, that and the love of a good man.

So what was lost in this firestorm was trust, innocence, safety, security and love.  I am praying for redemption.  Redemption of a part of my past that can still haunt me at times.  The sorrow of a mother's heart over her children's pain (there is much more to the story), the poverty we were all thrust into, etc.

But I know it was like some fires in chaparrals.  Because of the blaze, some things were birthed that would not have been otherwise.  A dependence on the Lord instead of people or things would not have taken place, a very good lesson to learn that will serve one well.  You find out how valuable friendship is and treasure it.

The Lord will bring us through anything if we keep hold of His hand.  And though the memories are there, the real sting is gone.  And this morning, I gaze out the window at a freshly mown lawn, with a heart filled with peace, and with love for the amazing, wonderful, sweet husband only He could give.♥

My Ebenezer

Eb·en·e·zer –Hebrew word meaning “stone of help”

While reading Stones of Remembrance: a Tale of Three Rocks on the incourage page on Facebook, there was an invitation to write about important stones or rocks to the reader.

For approximately 25 years or so I have held, rubbed, stared at, a small, smooth, shiny stone.  It is precious to me, and in the event of a fire or other such calamity, i'd grab my pictures, and my stone. 

When my first husband left me for someone else, my life was launched into an unbelievably difficult and lonely time.  I knew poverty like I had never known.   Me and my children, when they were with me, could barely survive.  If you looked at the circumstances and facts, we shouldn't have.  But God.  I clung to the Lord with all my might.  I would wake in the night, reach over to "his" side of the bed, to find it empty, sending me reeling again.  So I put my Bible in that spot, and when that would happen, I would feel this lifeline beside me, turn on the lamp and spend some time in the Psalms.  God saved me through this.  His care preserved me and my babies.  During another reading, I came upon I Samuel 7:12, "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."  So this little stone is my Ebenezer, that's what I call it.  It resides within eye-shot to ever remind me that He has never forsaken me, never left me and always provided.  Sometimes just barely, but He did.

Many know that my husband (another miracle) and I are just coming out of what I call The Wilderness Years.  Six long years of struggle, without steady employment and very little temporary.  We both love the Lord and that is what held us together.  We continued to seek Him through this hard time, and He was always there, and yet again, provided.  Sometimes through means we couldn't have dreamed of.  We have miracles during this time that I am in the process of chronicling.  Things out of nowhere, one special miracle that was quite simply a gift from the Lord which helped us literally survive with some kind of joy. 

So since 1989, all my life really, I have watched the Lord be faithful.  Faithful to me, a woman who began this unexpected journey and who did not react well at all.  My faith grew and grew as I watched us stay afloat, even barely.  The lessons learned will never be forgotten, ever.  But really, all lessons can be summed up in Isaiah 41:10, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."  He is with me no matter what.

There have been many things that I don't understand.  All I know is He is with me, and for me, no matter what happens.  So I keep my Ebenezer close and when I hold or see it, I see so much more than a pretty stone.  Years and years of faithfulness from a God who "thus far has helped us."

 

Rest

A few days of following my body's rhythm.  Allowing rest and peace to flow freely, not known for so many years.  I am feeling the tensions of 6 years trickle out of me and at times it is exhausting in the best possible way.

I know that for most of those 6 years, I suffered at my own hand.  The Lord always stands ready to carry the load, I Peter 5:7, and to heal, it was I that delayed it all, giving in to fear and fearful imaginings.  Never the less, He never left my side, ever.

I have learned invaluable lessons during The Wilderness Years.  I didn't like those difficult years, and they are not completely gone yet, but I do know that much of my suffering was because I refused to loosen my grip on worry and fear. 

I have written about all that, still am.  But this is a new season and I want to write about it too.  So what I am noticing is that my body and heart are in a state of quiet repair through the Holy Spirit, who moves gently, slowly, thoroughly.

These peaceful days are a treasure.  A way of seeing the past with the scary stuff removed.  Long, quiet days, so radically different than before.  One thing I learned is that you cannot know His will for tomorrow, He seems to always give enough for one day at a time.  But for as long as this lasts, I will savor it and enjoy it.  Should it end next week or in 20 years, I will realize the beauty of it and give thanks.

So, tonight, as I sit at my computer, husband and pup tucked in, traffic in the background, a gentle breeze wafting through the open window, I lift up my boy, so on my heart, knowing that He has Josh in His hands, and whisper my gratitude for the blessings we are enjoying so very much right now.  Thinking of all the moms with prodigals, nothing like it, and praying that He will lighten their loads too.

Being A Monk in the World

*I did not write the list at the end of this post.  See Copyright for authorship.

In this pursuit of being a monk in the world, of re-birth, resurrection, I have been urged to be aware of my body and what it needs and just go with it for a season.  So yesterday, when I suddenly got sleepy at 10:00, I took a nap.  I woke after about 30 minutes, refreshed and relaxed.  I thought wow, I should've done this a long time ago.  But being raised by parents who had been through The Great Depression, sleeping during the day is tantamount to being the laziest slug on the earth, not deserving of the provision gained from those who worked from sun-up to sun-down, and there is some merit in that thinking.  Of course that all changed once retirement arrived....should have before then, bless them.  But I just felt this was right and the rest of the day went well, I did stay up a little later, but not terribly.

So this morning I got up with my husband and me and the pup were out the door by 5:45 for our morning walk.  Well, by the time we got back and had breakfast, I was sleepy again and went with it...and woke over an hour later!  I woke up from what felt like deep sleep, forced myself to get up because this was ridiculous, i'd never get to sleep tonight! I woke up not refreshed, but feeling drugged, i'm still trying to shake it.

So there's a lesson here, yes, trust your body and listen to its needs, but like most things in a fallen world, the body is flesh and wants what it wants.  I would be well to remember all things in moderation.  I think next time i'll set the alarm.  There is something in our natures, or at least in mine, that if something is good, I want more and I want it a lot.  That is obvious by my weight struggles, but it carries over to most things for me.  I used to smoke, like over 30 years ago, up to 2 packs a day when I quit.  And why did I quit?  Not for health reasons, but because I had my tonsils out and had to for 3 weeks.  The Lord helped me to know that if I had quit for 3 weeks, just don't start again, so I didn't.  But I liked smoking, resulting in a 2-pack a day habit.  If we are with friends laughing and having a good time, I want to see them again the next day...and the next...you get the picture.

So while I do believe in this season of listening to my body and its needs, I also believe the Lord would have me exercise self-control and tend to the tasks of the day as well.  This dance we do with life, if out of balance to the extreme, becomes something ugly and self-centered, but when in balance with Him, is beautiful and benefits others as well as myself.

All that said, there was much said that I just loved in the "instructions."  Here ya go:

1. Make a commitment to move slowly through the world, resisting the demand for speed and productivity that is tearing our bodies apart and wearing them down to exhaustion.
2. Reject compulsive "busyness" as a badge of pride and see it for what it is—a way of staying asleep to your own deep longings and those of the world around you.
3. Pause regularly. Breathe deeply. Reject multitasking. Savor one thing in this moment right now. Discover a portal into joy and delight in your body through fragrance, texture, shimmering light, song, or sweetness.
4. Let yourself experience grief for the vulnerabilities of your body. Be exquisitely tender with yourself and all of the aches and pains and limitations of embodied life. Make a space within to welcome in the sorrow of difficult memories.
5. Any time you begin to hear the old voices of judgment rise up about your body—whether self-consciousness or criticism or denial—pause and breathe. Then stand firm against those voices, as the desert elders counseled us to do, and tell them you will not offer them sanctuary anymore.
6. Play some music you love, and dance. Be present to the body's desires in response. Perhaps just a finger tapping at first. Then slowly let the impulse travel up your arm and across your chest, taking root in your heart, so that your dance might emerge from this place. Even just imagining yourself dancing can bring you alive.
7. Roll around on the grass, the way dogs do with abandon. Release worries about getting muddy or cold or looking foolish. The body isn't concerned with keeping things neat and tidy. Don't hold yourself back.
8. Every day, at least once, say thank you for the gift of being alive. Every day, at least once, remember the One who crafted you and exclaimed, "That is so very good."
9. Allow a day to follow the rhythms of your body. Notice when you are tired, and sleep.  When you are hungry, eat. When your energy feels stagnant, go for a long walk. In truth, it often takes several days to sink into this kind of attunement, but begin to consider how you might invite this awareness into your daily life.
10. Be present to the earth-body, which is the matrix of our own being. The earth offers herself so generously for nourishment. Remember that earth-cherishing is intimately connected to cherishing your own embodied being.

What does it mean for us to not just say we believe in a resurrected life, but to truly practice resurrection?

Do you experience the Holy Week to Easter movement from death into life in an embodied way?

Do you breathe in the gift of the Spirit? What will your practices of resurrected life be?

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