“I do wish I was a better writer. I want to say the things I feel.” ~ Don Miller

Me too. That is the point for me, to precisely express the things I feel, or observations I make. Preferably with scalpel-like precision. My son does this, but uses words i've never heard of before and I lose interest for having to look them up. So, not like that, just finding the right words most of the time would do.

Lately, the thing that is breaking my heart are the situations I am aware of, where if those involved would completely surrender to Christ, their lives could be so much better than they are. So, the next question, which applies to me as well, why do we attempt to either hang on to control or stubbornly cling to old behaviors that never work anyway? To try to control would imply a lack of trust to the one surrendered to. So we're back to that age-old thing of not trusting God. What in the world! And this is a big one for me. We act we're in a game of wack-a-mole, guess who's the mole and guess who's God. Sheesh, the Lover of our soul, the One who sacrificed all, who suffered horrendously on our behalf, and we're afraid to let Him have the reigns??

For me, I think it is because I know He is all-powerful, He has the ability to change any circumstance, and yet beautiful Christian brothers and sisters die with cancer, or loving parents lose a child, etc., I mean, really? How can He be trusted? But having been where the rubber meets the road for the last few years, sometimes it is just a choice. There is a case to be made for either side. So I just have to decide what I'm going to believe. I choose Christ. Because even when my circumstances didn't change, for me, or for those I love, it was/is His presence that gets me through, and the thought of doing without Him is lunacy to me. When I awake in the night and my heart is gripped with fear, because my mind is working over-time thinking of what my son could be facing in a medium/maximum prison, I speak His name, “Jesus” and that's enough. The waves of fear disappear, the imaginings cease, and a super-natural peace flows through me and all I feel is love. I have no idea if my son will survive or find the truth while there, but I know that God is with me, to help me, whatever comes, sorrow, or joy.

We are facing some huge changes shortly. A move 4 hours north. I am excited to begin this new chapter, but I will miss family and friends. I don't make friends easily, and the ones I have are kind of because they loved my brother first so reached out to me. My brother won't be in Vancouver. We will be able to pay our bills, have health insurance, etc. Don't know if we can handle life without constant crisis,never have before. So I trust that He will help us in abundance as He has in need.

So, I find myself back to where I always do. All answers are Jesus Christ. For Him to live in me and flow through me. To worship Him, be surrendered to Him, that is the point. Because when we are surrendered to Him, He is not hindered by our egos or fears, He will overcome all and in the process, bring us fulfillment and lasting joy, which is what we struggle for anyhow.

Okay, I think that's what I meant to say.