Longing

I remember as a little girl, probably 4 or 5, my parents would find me asleep in the hallway, facing our wall heater.  I could lay on the floor and stare at the blue flame inside the heater. 

Growing up in the Mojave Desert we were no strangers to wind.  And sometimes, when it would hit my face, or blow through my hair, there was a strange feeling of familiarity mixed with longing. 

I grew up with great parents, nothing traumatic, pretty much Leave it to Beaver in the flesh.  But for some reason, I always felt "outside" the family.  No reason why, my parents loved me and I knew it.  I mean we had our dysfunctions like every normal family, but nothing weird or overly sad.  And I think about it, I have most of my life, and just wondered what the "otherness" and blue flame was all about. 

I believe the Lord gave me my answer the other day and it blows me away, I am as certain of it as I am anything.  The longing of that little girl's heart, that was comforted by the flame, the feeling of the wind and a million other things through the years, is my heart's longing for home.  I am sure that I missed being with the Lord.  I mean as Christians we know we belong to Him, but i'm talking about something else.  I truly believe that somewhere in my soul is a place that misses being with Him literally.  The Word says He knew us before we were born.  "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb..."  Jeremiah 1:5, and the part of me that knew Him before "here" still longs for His presence.

Even being here, belonging to Him, the joys that we experience here, nothing compares to His presence.  The closest I have come while here is during worship at church.  Those rare times when I am able to calm my mind and truly focus on Him, the gratitude I feel overwhelms me and His presence is so real and so precious I never want to leave.  But the songs end, the service proceeds and I am brought back.  Those times are when I feel complete.  Complete in His love, His acceptance, His peace.

I can look back over my life, childhood, marriage, children, divorce, loneliness, remarriage, and those things that were a result of sin or the enemy's hand, I can see that He carried me through.  Some of it is horrendous and I know without a doubt that were it not for Him taking over I would never have survived.  But I did, and I didn't come out of it with bitterness, rage or life-long sorrow.  He does that.  And in His truly infinite mercy and grace, I have experienced such joy and love that I can barely contain it. 

What love, a love that whispers to a child's heart that He misses her too.  That tells the single mom that she's not alone, that He sees every tear and He's got her.  The words from His Word coming alive in her heart and almost magically giving her the strength and wisdom she so desperately needed.  Years of loneliness, waiting and waiting.  But oh, how it was worth it.  In His timing, and in His beautiful way, miracle of miracles, given a Godly man that I couldn't even have dreamt of.  That is a story for another time, it is truly so like Him.

So, now, when a breeze brushes my face and it takes me away with it somehow, I will smile and look forward to an eternity spent with the One who loves me best and Who I adore.♥