The View from Here

 

I have always rushed past beautiful photos of the outdoors.  Because if I look too long, I become deeply dissatisfied with what I have.  I long to have a cabin in the woods, looking out over water of some kind...any kind.  Pine trees and lush ferns in their shade.  To make bread for my family and hearty meals.  To can things in Summer, and enjoy the fruits of my labor when cold Winter arrives.  To write beautifully and meaningfully, much like a blog I follow by Emily Gibson.  Short snippets of a life that contributes and testifies to His goodness.

 But the Lord has placed me where I am.  And it's not bad.  I love our little home, albeit a rental and so creativity is sparse, no permanent changes.  White walls  throughout, and a HUGE backyard with nothing in it.  The trees that are there, except for one little, twisted apple tree, are the ones we planted.  An investment for our landlord whenever he takes this place back.  I had to have some trees.  I think in all creation, and I love it all, trees are my favorite.  I most at home around trees.

 Don't get me wrong, I count my blessings, if not every day, at least every week.  And there are plenty!!  God is good, always.  He has never failed me, not once.  It is my lack of trust and faith that has put the wrinkles in my face, not Him. 

 The thing lately is my dreams.  My son keeps showing up, and my heart breaks again, and again, and again.  Someone tell me how for it not to.  I have turned it all over to the Lord, no lie.  But he's my son, he was my baby boy.  To know the struggle he has put himself thru is almost more than I can bear.  And to have watched him continue down a road that leads to nowhere, or worse, is only bearable because I know the Waymaker.  I trust that at some point, Josh will allow Him to make a way for him.  But until that time, and I doubt i'll live to see it, I only see him in my dreams.  The days when we were happy and he was little and carefree are gone aside from in my mind.  I must be careful not to visit there too often, or I will be undone.

 The disappointments of life can eat away at you, even when you belong to Him.  Again, that trust thing.  But i'm not sure how to navigate waters when I can't see and there's a leak in the boat.  Fog surrounds me, the water's rising, I need help and all I hear is silence.  But then I remember, 1 Kings 19:11-13.

 " The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

I need to be still and know.  Trust that at His timing, all will be well.  Those longings in my heart for nature, for nurturing, for music, art, laughter, fellowship, will all be fulfilled, or replaced with better things that I can't imagine.  Is this enough to go on day by day?  Yes.  Because His mercies are new every morning, Lamentations 3:22-23

^" The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness."

He is my strength, He is my refuge.  He was the God of my ancestors, and He is my God, mighty to save.  If I wish to "live my best life" as they say, it is to live in Him, to be found in Him, to abide in Him.  I am His beloved, He will take care of us.

So, the view from my window now, with all the little birds at the feeder, the crows and squirrels and jays that come for peanuts every day....they're  fine views, and my heart is grateful.

 

 

Looking Forward

Why, when children opt for a different, and reckless, path than we, do we say "we" have failed?  This is not always accurate.

 Without belaboring all that I did for my son, I can say that I always loved him with a deep passion, I desired good for him with an even deeper one.  I made sure he was in church every week, I lived Christianity in front of him to the best of my ability, I tried not to believe all that appeared regarding him, I filled him up with nutritious food, kept him clean, made sure his mind was not polluted by the wrong things on television, etc. Was I perfect, absolutely not, did I love him more than life, absolutely yes.  Did he know it?  Absolutely!   And still, the path he chose was as different than any I could've imagined.  It was not a good choice for him.

Now, before you say, "oh, you're just a mom who wants what she wants and can't accept that her child has chosen outside of her values," the path he has taken has resulted in prison time, 3 children with 2 different mothers, neither of whom were his wife.  He doesn't have a wife.  Like many in the current culture, he meets them and they move in and that's that.  Now, 2 of those children are estranged from him, the other adopted by others.  He, now 38, still goes his own way, and broken all contact with his immediate family.

I have spent years weeping, praying.  Those days are done for now.  I give all to Christ.  I am spent on his behalf.  He has lashed out at me, recently over who I'm going to vote for...not his business.  There comes a time when you must cease looking back, like Lot's wife, because it only serves to make you soluble and you dissolve into nothing.  Time to look forward, to invest your energy in those around you whom you love and love you.  No more time spent alone in the bedroom in tears, while life is going on around you.

 He has made his choices, now he will have to live with them.  He will always be my son and I will always love him, but those 2 things just don't matter much anymore.  People that love me are weary from watching me in pain over this person.  So here Lord, take my son, I pray that one day he will hear Your voice and return to You.  But please remove the hurt & pain of being ripped and torn by one I love so, so much.  And help me live my life without that cloud.

 

Baby Boy, Much Loved

He was born June 16th, 2020.  I don't know his name, how much he weighed, nothing. 

My son has cut me out of his life, apparently for a number of grievances, but mostly because of who I voted for in the last primary election.

We barely have a relationship with his first two children.  And now another one brought into less than ideal circumstances.  Born during a time of political and social upheaval.  A time of a pandemic.

But there was Another born under less than ideal circumstances, during tax time, His mother on a donkey traveling.  And He came to save the world.

So my heart is full of hope for this young one.  And though I may not be able to hold him, sing to him, snuggle him, I can pray for him.  And that is more important than the rest. 

So, the next day it occurred to me to dedicate him to the Lord.  I didn't need to be holding him for this.  My God is outside of time and circumstances, so I consecrated him to the Lord.  No one can stop me from doing that.

And while I do find my thoughts gravitating to this little person, the ache isn't there.  Jesus knew how this would be, he knew my heart that grows more tender with each passing year, wouldn't be able to deal with this very well....so He took it for me and I am at peace.

Who knows when the Lord will call me home.  I may get pictures of him growing up, I may not.  But as long as I breathe, he is close in my heart.

Molly

It was 32 years ago that we drove to Los Angeles Airport to pick up someone very special.  We sat in the waiting area for the passengers to come out.  Lots of people came off the plane, then our social worker went on the plane and came back out with our 6-month-old little girl from Korea!  Joan, our social worker, placed her in my arms, Josh peering over to get a look, lol. 

I had no idea that little girl would one day be my best friend.  Molly came pretty compliant, comes from being in an orphanage with little attention.  She was quiet and serene.  Her dad had just got his pilot's license, so the day after we got her, we got in a Cessna and headed from Oxnard, CA to Grants Pass, OR.  She was good the whole way, as was her brother.  This was not the best idea, but I won't go into that. 

She loved her Auntie Sue and responded to her right away.

Molly did find her voice and came to realize if she cried, she got what she needed, lol.  She was fun and creative, making doll clothes from leftover fabric, lace, etc.  She was and is cheerful most of the time, a blessing to those around her.

Without going into details, Molly & her brother had a really rough time after our divorce, the effects still being seen.  L  But Molly found Jesus when she was little and has never left.  She clung to Him and He has seen her through.  She was a joy growing up, so very sweet and thoughtful, and those words describe her to this day.

She met Will, and I met his dad, what joy!  Now they live closer and we are thrilled.  I could never have envisioned how things would be 32 years later, I never would've dreamed.  But my little girl, such a HUGE blessing is still spreading sunshine everywhere she goes.  She means more to me than I can say, as most mothers feel.  But to have come from so very far away to land in my heart is a miracle and a gift from God.  Thinking of her today, of all the years, and how she looked in her little pink outfit when she arrived.  Thank You Lord!!!!

Josh

The blinds slap at the window sill, the coolness rushing in on a breezy day.  And it hits me, how can everything just seem so normal?  How can I talk with him casually as though there's nothing wrong?  That his grown man decisions are so wrong, but i'm not allowed to warn him?  In respecting his autonomy and adulthood, I let him careen over a cliff in the distance, even if it's at 30 miles an hour.  Eventually, he will sail over the edge, too late.

I've pretty much made peace with all that, I just keep praying.  But every so often, like today, when that breeze tapped me on the shoulder, I want to run to him, to plead with him, to let him know the building he's living in is on fire.  But I know he doesn't wanna hear that from me, so the attempts have ceased. 

But here's the thing, once you're a mom, you held him, loved him, suffered with him, celebrated with him, you just can't sever the tie lickity-split.  "I asked the LORD to give me this boy, and he has granted my request." I Samuel 1:27.  I have loved him more than I thought possible.  And he loved me back.  Now his love is distant, I believe it's there, he says so, but hard to tell.  And when my mind runs to past viewing of little boy days, the tears just naturally come.

I don't believe I know anyone with as much God-given talent or potential.  Handsome and funny, full of style and personality, but I cannot support his lifestyle.  It is heart-breaking.  People, girls especially, left in his wake, hurting.

The thing is, this heart that is aging and preparing to go home, longs for a few sweet moments with the boy, the man.  And they will not be forthcoming.  And this heart, more than anything, wants to know that he walks with Jesus as he once did.  I probably will not live to know.  I could not have lived through the events of the last few years without my love, my David.  Though we all have made mistakes, his unwavering support and love, holding me when I am distraught, etc., helps me stay sane in it all. 

And Jesus, always Jesus.  The wakings in the night, the fear that can grip my heart when there's a phone call later than usual, the wondering, the grieving, He holds me through it all and sustains me.

So on this blustery day in April, about a week after he turned 36, I once allow myself to feel the grief, the missing and I pray, and I weep.