What whisperings of new beginnings can you hear emerging from
the silence of darkness?
This
is the question attached to my daily Abbey of the Arts email today. It is pregnant with possibilities.
We
enter into this Autumn awaiting a prodigal's return. He is coming home a new creature in
Christ. But as everyone knows, it takes
time for reformation. Seldom does the
Lord transform us all at once. And David
and I are here to witness whatever comes, to partner in it really.
I
read what I can about the difficulties in returning to society after prison and
it can be scary. Thankfully, Josh
doesn't seem overly institutionalized.
He has fought against it, and I think that will help him. He is excited...and a little scared...to get
out and begin this new life with all the demands and expectations. In the past, he's not done well with
those. But perhaps this new man will
take them on and succeed, that is my prayer.
So
my whisperings from the silence of darkness are that the Lord loves Josh, He
loves us, He will make a way like He always does. Josh truly belongs to Him now and wants to
serve Him, so he now is held in loving, able hands.
It's
been a rough week. We needed the
landlord's approval for him to stay here and the landlord wanted to think about
it. Time marched on, yesterday we took a
letter and rental ap with Josh's information and as we talked....he signed the
letter right then! I must admit, and I
hate it, I was pretty much a basket case.
There aren't enough words or pages to hold what has been in my heart
since Josh went in. I'm not sure I even
understand it all myself. But to turn him
out in the cold, with nowhere to go....and no, they don't tell the inmates
where to go, they simply release them and expect them to show up at the
Corrections Officer's office on time, was more than I felt I could bear. So
my mama's heart was breaking at the thought of all this.
Many
pitfalls lie ahead and we will have to be more patient and loving than we've
ever been with each other. It's a big
change for my love and I. We are now
used to living by ourselves and not having anyone else to consider. We won't have the privacy we've had. And Dave has been absolutely wonderful. I was in such bad shape yesterday, he came
home early to be with me until we could go to the landlord's. He and Josh have had run-ins, though they
generally get along well, but that's always in the back of my mind. But this man, whose blood children are
independent and self-sufficient, has had to be drawn into this drama of a
confused and at the time, arrogant, young man who wound up in prison. Never once has he made me feel that he resented
it, and now he is opening our home to him.
The
thing that I am not proud of, disappointed in myself actually, is the lack of
faith I had. I know that the Lord could
have a reason for wanting him in Corvallis, but all I could think of was how
much better off it seemed for him to be with us and I let it get the better of
me. There are Christian women I admire,
who seem to pass through crises fairly unruffled and full of faith. That is my goal, but at 61, not there
yet. And then again, aside from faith
that grows by hearing the Word of God, I am how He made me, those other women
are how He made them. I just struggle
with this, have all my life. I want
never to disappoint the Lord. How
grateful I am for His love, mercy and grace.
So
my darkness whispers to me that perhaps this will go better than we think,
perhaps He will continue to make ways where there seem to be none, perhaps this
scary, hard thing will turn out to be the sweet, healing thing. Only He knows. I, at least, am able to trust Him for what
lies ahead today. There are some other
challenges, and who knows, I won't really believe all this until Josh walks
through the front door, so many hoops to jump through, but it is true that God
is good, and Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
