Trenches

We fight in trenches, all of us.  Everyone I know has an issue/s that are ongoing and the real testing of our faith comes into play.  This morning I was drifting through my morning, nursing this cold that won't seem to end.  The phone rang and before I know, mortars and gunshots are zinging past me.  I am yelling "mental medic!  mental medic!" and am barely getting these wounds tended to, the phone rings again, another assault, though not as personal. 

I'm a reactor....big-time.  So I am reeling a bit from first call, wailing and gnashing of teeth, longing for Renaissance Man to tell me it will be alright, whether he really believes it or not, and me totally believing it, because he said it, and he never lies to me. ♥  Then the next call and I'm more in a defensive mode, ready to tangle.  I hear this attitude in my tone and definitely feel the hand of the Lord on my shoulder and change my tone.

These are my trenches today.  Trying to forgive one beloved, one that I have such love for, saying words that wound and pierce.  Remembering that the One I love most was also wounded and pierced, finding my strength in Him, leaning hard into Him.  

Does it matter how I react?  I'm alone here, just my poor pup to hear my laments.  But He hears, He sees motives and hearts and helps me to see as well.  This heart that called is in pain, such pain.  They are not justified in their complaints, but don't they deserve someone who, while not taking on a door mat role, is there for them, no matter what?  And second call, aren't I still Christ to the world?  So I've come around, licked my wounds and semi-recovered.

 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. ~ 1 Corinthians 13

Waiting

What I'm finding is that this thing is taking over my life.  Every day it fills my mind, I imagine plans for that time when it finally comes.  I am speaking of my son's release from prison.  Supposed to happen in November of 2015.  That is over a year away, but I feel as though it will happen tomorrow.  Wishful thinking that. 

I wonder how he'll feel, being able to be safe at our house, in a comfortable room with a big bed, having the freedom to go in and out at will.  For all his bravado, this has been so hard on his soul.  Real and imagined threats, he is tap-dancing to try to stay safe and make it through his time.

You want to believe your kid is different.  He's not like the hardened criminals that fill these places.  But then you know every mother would say that.  I pray in our case that it's true.  I have seen Josh lose his temper and he's got to deal with that, but I never felt afraid of him.  I pray this was one terrible "perfect" storm.  I am so thankful that the girl is ok and seems to bear no lasting physical or mental scars.

I know of nothing like this.  He's not dead, but the period he's been gone has almost felt like that.  And he's been gone at a crucial time for his mom.  I have aged while he's been in.  I feel an urgency to spend time with my son.  This bright, gifted.....and troubled young man, who owns a piece of my heart forever.

So i've got to get through this year and 2 months.  It sounds impossible to me, but I belong to One who will make it possible.  I belong to One who loves Josh more than I do and wants his good.  In the meantime, my thoughts are filled with the little boy that ushered me into the most magical time of my life.  I can still hear his laughter as a child, see him, so full of life and silliness.  I long for the guy that can make me laugh like no one else.  My fellow POW during that horrible time.  We get each other in deep ways.....and not in others.  I just want to go to sleep one night, knowing he is safe, asleep across the hallway.

Ode to Sadie ♥

I look into your eyes and see

My sweet friend looking back at me

At my most sorrowful time

You stayed right by my side

You're goofy and bright

And your love has sustained me

Your little furry warm body next to me

Lets me know you care in unspoken words

It's all about socks and balls

And treats of course

But when I look in your eyes

There's more there than an animal

I am convinced you see that you have invisible wings

That God sent you to us from Heaven

You are an angel to encourage, to abide, to bless

In our brokenness and despair

You needed a home and chose us

So many pet poems out there

How can I make this distinct

Our very survival might have hung on caring for this little Doxie pup

The love we 3 share is big love, it will never, ever stop.

Seasons

How the Summer drains me.  I am not outdoorsy, I do NOT enjoy the sun, give me rainy, overcast days any time.  The heat just melts me.  And now that we are in a place without a/c, I am really suffering.  We will get a portable a/c next year if we are still here.  But this Summer brought events that I do love.  Our Grandkids, free of school schedules, were able to come for a week.  Our home was filled with life, laughter, drawing, silliness, cartoons, computer games and book reading.♥  Their sweet little faces, so missed, so longed for, right here with us. 

And then our big kids came with their two pups.  Poor Mattie had just had surgery and wasn't herself.  She was to have bed-rest and stay on her meds.  Unfortunately, those meds made her easily agitated and she had some issues with their younger pup, Max, and Sadie got in between them by accident and wound up getting hurt, but she's fine.  She's a good sport our little angel.  :)  So once we figured out what was happening, Mattie was quarantined to the bedroom, Sadie & Max got along pretty good, although he was too amorous for Sadie's taste and he left many times rebuffed.  ;) 

In the course of the two weeks, we visited Herman at the fish hatchery, a HUGE sturgeon, saw waterfalls, went to OMSI, went out to eat at the Kells and Slappycakes in Portland.  Visited Powell's Books a couple times and drooled our way through Sur La Table, a kitchen store.  Dave and I haven't done this much in 7 years.  What fun, with people we love so deeply.  And one really special visit was with Autumn, the Grandkids' mom.  We haven't had a chance to sit and talk, so that was really nice.

But that alligator.  He's sneaky and stealthy, and when I least expect it, in the middle of the frivolity, I see his tail go round the corner again.  Ever reminding me that things may not be as they seem....or may not last.  What he doesn't know is that he only serves to remind me that I am not to look to any human being for fulfillment, purpose, security or safety, only to Christ.  And so this week, in the quiet, while cleaning and reminiscing, I am drawing close to the Lover of my soul, the One who loves me best and no matter what.  I need to be with Him more.  For all the joy that the past months have brought, there have also been sorrows that pervade and have to be dealt with, such is life.  But if I hold tight to His hand, it will be alright. 

I watched my nephew and his beautiful bride get married over the weekend.  How the time flies, I remember my first wedding, and coming to Oregon and seeing Ron & Suz, all of us sooooo young.   And now there was their youngest, getting married.  I thought of Josh, how this is what I wanted for him, and how wrong it all had gone.  And still, I scan the crowd and see my love, chatting away to our dear friends from Calvary Church and am so thankful to have him, more than there are words to tell. 

While I think it is a time to reflect and remember, it is also a time of rest and healing for us, and I am just realizing this may take some time.  No problem, the Lord holds us in His hands.  I simply need to quiet the voices, still the worries and trust.