Listening to Joni Mitchell's River. A Christmas-y song, but sad, and it suits me tonight. You do what you have to do in life, and for the blessing of this job, Dave has to go on to Washington before me. Because of circumstances, I must remain until the end of Jan. So in the funk that settled upon my heart with the sinking of the sun, my snowball is growing bigger and bigger.
Rather than think about each issue that lies ahead with so many things, I will just let the sadness and loss wash over me. Resistance makes one miserable and false happiness just looks ridiculous and is more for others than one's self.
This is what surrender looks like. A complete and utter realization that you just can't do what's required without help. Especially during the holidays. Every ad is targeting sales with glitz and noise, families that are blessed with relative peace are looking forward to the festivities. And don't get me wrong, I adore Christmas, yes because we celebrate the birth of the One who is everything, but also because I become a child again and am filled with wonder at the sights and sounds around me. But this Christmas will be different. Winter has come to my soul. I am feeling a frost and weakness i've not experienced heretofore.
As some of you know, we were raised with John Wayne. You just suck it up and go forward, and ultimately that is exactly what i'll do. But tonight I just feel I can't. I am humbly asking my Lord to carry me through the next few months. So many things swirl through my mind and I get overwhelmed. I am separated from a part of my heart for at least 2 more years and that is with me every single day. Letters pleading for help I am unable to give right now. But I digress, many, many have heartbreak in their lives at present and are handling it with far more grace than I.
I guess my issue is the feeling that I am not up to the task. There's a sense of urgency in this 59-year-old woman's heart that fears the best is not yet to come, but rather it's too late for it to happen at all. There's the rub. The loss, the loss. Loss of youth, loss of trust years ago, loss of opportunities, loss of guts to get it done, loss of a spirit around me that could fill my heart with joy, who ultimately swallowed it up in darkness and despair.
Because I know how He operates, I await the change. Some way, as if magical, the Spirit will gently, without my knowing really, take this sorrow and carry it for me and hope will begin to grow again. I trust in this and cooperate fully, I go to Psalms and the healing begins.
But for tonight there is no instigation, only surrender.