I heard recently of someone who thought her cancer had returned, but it was only scar tissue and could be taken care of quickly and easily. I, of course, was so relieved for her, but it got me to thinking. I have events in my life, as do most, that have left scars. Bad ones. A divorce that I didn't want and thought would do me in.....but God. A life of poverty and singleness, obviously didn't want and struggled through, but survived, again.....but God. My prodigal, part of my own being, unimaginable nightmares with him...but God, and only recently. Right now I am struggling with something and am waiting for the "but God."
Thing is when I look within, almost all I see is scar tissue. While the scars have healed through the grace and mercy of Christ, I just know that the spots that aren't scarred are super-tender, because of the insensitivity that surrounds them due to the past. Christ came and healed, but scar tissue...hmmm....perhaps I've not accepted total healing. I know God doesn't heal half way. I fear upon examination, they will break open again and this time...this time...I won't survive.
I seem to vacillate between caring too much and caring too little. The latter can be scary at times. I find that if a situation carries too much emotional baggage with it, I simply check out rather than deal. There's not much, or I should say many, that I would really fight for, it's not in me anymore. It died a painful death through the years. But I hear His calling, gently, calling me into examination, Him beside me. I don't want to, I really don't, but I will follow because I also learned obedience is better than sacrifice. I also learned that having a tender heart, a Christ-like heart, does not mean that you do what anyone wants you to, to prove your love for them.
This journey will be interesting, painful, but hopefully at its end, His will in me will be accomplished. This will take some time, I'm not all that sharp, He will have to be very clear with me.
The things that brought this to the surface were themselves painful, and i'd really rather just sweep them under the rug and pretend all is well. I mean, c'mon, how long can I live. ;) He's not letting me off. So tomorrow, I will delve into this and see where He leads. One thing I know, He is a loving God and wants my good. Romans 8:28