I walked this morning with Molly, my daughter. I meet her at her place about 6:00 a.m. with my doxie, Sadie, she with her pup, Mattie. We walk in the dark about a mile. I like walking early, before my mind collects the clutter of the day. I was thinking how it all just piles up. By day's end, a pile of worries over there, of fear yonder, of all kinds of negativity, and the positive piles....they're there, gratitude for the love in my life, human and non, but they just can't seem to throw the balance.
So, in the cool, crisp post-dawn air, my thinking feels clear and unhurried. As is often my custom, I talk to the Lord as I walk. I pass one certain house that I really like the look of. There are two torch lights on either side of the garage that are always on, as well as one by the front door. There are several cars parked in the driveway. It looks like a home filled with family and I imagine the lights left on for teenagers getting home late and such. It makes me smile, and feel a little envious. And when it looked like we would be moving to McMinnville and have a real life, I thought we'd have a house very similar. We may not have the comings and goings like that, but it would be a cozy shelter, an ever-ready haven for any family or friends that came. Now as I walk by, it is actually hard to not have tears begin to come. The rescinding of the dream that was within a hair's breadth of coming true. Full-size washer and dryer, so I could actually wash blankets, doggie bed, whatever needed it, and glorious, clean, shiny windows in every room. I pictured the sun filtering in through breezy curtains in the bedroom each morning. Anyhow, without going back into those memories, or desires, it all went away as quickly as it started.
I have walked with Him for 46 years. Speaking with Him is as natural as breathing. I will confess that my faith trembled when that happened. So long waiting for it, thinking that life would return to normal concerns and problems, away from this over-shadowing black cloud that colors all we think and do. To have it disappear before it really began just made me think Him cruel and mean. It was wrong thinking, but there you have it, I cannot deny that I did think it.
As I walk along these mornings, I still struggle with some of those questions. I have come to remember His grace, His mercy, His love and firmly believe He spared us some unforeseen disaster. Only He knows, but He is trustworthy and faithful. So this morning as I walked along thinking, some self-pity creeping in, which I loathe, He said to me, my own people missed me in their midst because I didn't come the way they thought I would. And I heard Him. Am I missing Him in this circumstance because He is not looking like I think He should look? I never want to miss Him, He is life, He is indeed the air I breathe.
So, though I am dumb-founded about the why of everything, we will now have to move as well in the coming year, our building is being sold. And we cannot afford to live anywhere else, the rent is uber-cheap and includes utilities, there is still no job, there are some health issues, I must look into everyday moments for Him. He assured me in His Word He would never leave me, so I must be missing something. I will now make every attempt to find Him in moments of the day where I might not expect to. In His presence is peace, longed for peace and He offers it freely, sometimes that still small voice is drowned out by life, I must make every effort to listen.