Friday, November 1, 2013

Long Day

Today was long.  I never cease to be amazed at my own impatience and hatred of being inconvenienced.  Was sorta looking forward to time to myself while Dave was over at the kids' doggie-sitting their pup while they are on vacation for a few days.  First surprise, I sure missed him more than I thought I would.  Secondly, constant under-current of grouchiness due to no sugar diet that I MUST adhere to if I don't want to go on insulin for my diabetes.  I am angry with myself for letting it get to this point, I am frustrated at my utter addiction to sugar.  That is not to insinuate powerlessness over sugar, the choice is mine, and all too often I make the wrong one.  My mind swirls with knowing we must move end of Jan. and not sure where we will move to.  Overwhelming gratitude for the upcoming job, but all the details have my head spinning.  My head is filled with possible details that are unsettling to say the least.  Then my precious little Sadie-bug, so sick yesterday and today.  Finally had to take her to the vet, and tell them flat out we couldn't afford to bring her in.  But they insisted because of her condition, and thankfully, they had things in place for "people like us."  Quotes are mine, they said no such thing.  Just so weary of the lack of money.  If not for their kindness, Sadie would have no hope of improvement and who knows.  Even so, I am still waiting to see if the meds will work.  When she gets this sick, only happened one other time, I am a wreck.  I have never loved an animal like I love her.  She's my sweet little friend, so sensitive and intuitive where we are concerned.  Such a gift from God.  My heart breaks when she is like this.  Then paperwork for the job, detailed and confusing, internet stops working this evening for a while, till I figured out what could be wrong, seems okay now.  Mix in some misunderstandings with my beloved and there ya have it.

Because times have been so hard for so long, I work at keeping my days simple and love my solitude.  So today was a trial of sorts.  I am pleased that the Lord came to mind often, I am not pleased that I wasn't able to hang onto that. 

I have Pandora on, Mark Knopfler & Emmy Lou Harris.  Right now they're playing Tom Rush's River Song.  Perfection, I gotta get this know, when there's some money.  ;)  I feel like a wimp.  People all around me are dealing with some horrendous things....and, like, call the waaaambulance, i'm having a bad day.  But I think I should have grace for myself, as I would for someone else.  I will allow myself to lick my wounds, feel sorry for myself just a little, and then, as I should've done in the first place, think of all I have to be grateful for.  We just paid our rent, thanks to our sweet kids, were able to take our furry child to the vet, said furry child is with me tonight, car runs well, despite aforementioned diabetes, in reasonably good health, and best for earthly last.  I have a man that loves me, truly loves me as I am, doesn't try to change me and is going nowhere no matter what.  I used the word before, but I need to again, Dave loves me intuitively.  He seems to know what I need, at times even before I do, and loves me accordingly.  He takes good care of me and our pup, it's nice.  Being on my own for 18 years made me capable, strong, but I am eating up the care this man gives me.  I do fear he will think I take him for granted, never.  And of course the greatest gift of all, Jesus.  The One who never gets angry, who never misunderstands my motives, who has loved me since before time.  His arms are sure, His acceptance guaranteed because of who He is. 

Okay, think things are turned around a little.

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