Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Ponderings Indeed

The days are growing more and more interesting with the nearing of "the job."  It is almost taking on a life of its own and pressing down on my spirit until the blessing almost becomes too much to deal with.  My mind swirls with thoughts....and fear.  Okay, everybody now, say it with me, "Perfect love..."  you know the rest by heart.  So now I have another issue, am I a bad Christian because I am fearful?!
I am here to say "no, no I am not."  I knew this and have mentioned it, but I really know it as each day comes and goes.  There are ways of thinking and scars that are present that He alone can heal and remedy, and will need to.  I can see that I am probably more comfortable being needy than entering back into society (so to speak) again. 

All the cliches are true.  You never know how much you don't need until you have almost nothing.  And there are good things from this experience that will gladly last a lifetime.  Knowing that God is your Provider and Portion, realizing that people are what matter most, your family and friends (really one and the same) and out from there.  And the older I get, it just seems silly to amass trinkets that will be tossed when i'm gone.  Why burden my kids with junk they don't care about it.  The few true earthly treasures we have are quite enough at present. 

Don't get me wrong, there are things i'd like to have, and maybe will now.  I have a positively lovely relationship with my computer and have no problem saying so.  People have teased, do I live on Facebook.....yes, yes I do live on Facebook.  ;)  I like perfume, some inexpensive, some very, I like nice clothes though I haven't been able to get any for a while, etc.  I think we all spend money differently, but I have learned some lessons that will stick.

So I have all that running through my brain daily.  Will I be able to handle being "normal" again?  We're at a different place in our lives than when we were younger.  That changes everything as well.

Today was an odd day.  Very pleasant in many ways, coffee with a dear friend, quiet day after that, our kids coming over for dinner, some job-related stuff got done...and then, when I didn't see it coming, some news about someone blind-sided my freshly scrubbed innocence and fear raged within me.  What if I am ill and it's too late and all this is just irrelevant?  What if we get moved and then one of us gets really ill?  All the what ifs that are stupid to entertain, yet I do.

Then, some reassurance from this amazing man i'm married to sets my heart at ease.  The din of the day dies down and He comes.  One thought of Jesus and my heart rate slows, muscles relax and I know that I know once again, even if it's not okay...it's okay, He's got me. 

So onward and upward, no time for a sniveling coward clinging to old ways of coping.  Take His hand, go forward fearlessly and see what lies ahead.  He will never leave or forsake.  There is my peace and it must remain there.

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