Friday, October 17, 2014

Standing Alone

I have a son in prison.  It was a long road to get there.  He burned every bridge he had.  He has burned mine....but the Lord and I rebuilt it....again and again.

He is my son.  Every time I say those words a lump forms in my throat.  It is a sacred utterance.  I vowed to love and care for him when we adopted him at 4 weeks old.  It is a lifelong endeavor.  I saw a picture on Facebook today that resonated within me.  I will, as long as I live, be beside him, my hand striving to settle the storms that seem to rage within him.  I know there is only One that can actually and permanently do that, but until Josh accepts this great love, my hand will not be moved.  He is my son, I can't not love him, I can't not see his potential, even in the face of all he's done.  He is my son.  When all others are hurt, again and again, and finally have enough and walk away, as they should I might add, I will not.  Everyone needs at least one person not to give up on them, and that is mom. 

I do not know if the day will come that I see him take the salvation offered from a loving God, or appreciate all others have done for him with a humble spirit, I only know that I am firmly planted beside him, forever. 

Intelligent, on the Honor Roll several times, artistic, talented writer.  I've seen him literally give the shirt off his back to a street person when he himself had nothing, his heart which aches for his children.  There are such good, good things within him.  But then there is the darkness.  Blinded by self, he goes off on the path he chooses which hurts not only others, but also himself.

He is my son.  I've seen him sparkle and shine.  This stance beside him has seen fewer and fewer souls who can withstand his forays into the bizarre and narcissism.  And now I am sensing opposition as well for refusing to turn away from him.  He is my son.  That's enough, I will see this through until the Lord calls me home.  My heart hurts at how alone and abandoned he must feel right now.  My head can spin at it all.  How best to handle issues with him.  I only know that I love him, and nothing he can do will ever change that.  I ultimately end up with that sacred phrase when I struggle...he is my son.

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