"From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.
My brothers, these things ought not to be so."~James 3:10
That's how i'm feeling some days. I have profound encounters with my Lord, I sense growth and expectation. Recent events have my heart overflowing with gratitude and humility at His love, mercy & grace.
And still, today, such unrest, bitterness and anger are just under the surface. Not quite sure what to do about it. Self-examination can be a good thing, but it's a slippery slope on the way to self-absorption too.
I feel frustrated at not being able to be with my love, frustrated at not knowing when to start packing, looking at all these empty boxes. Frustrated with missing almost half of my children's lives that can never be returned to me. Frustrated that I didn't make more of myself when I was younger, though I couldn't tell you what that would've looked like, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother.
So, in trying to embrace that which is causing me to feel so "not me," I try to go steps further. I have much to be thankful for, I really do, that's not just a trite cliche for me, I know it to be so. I think it's the patience thing, I have none, zero, zilch and probably never will. So while I do attempt to exercise it, i've got very little to work with. I have developed in the course of my life that hated trait of "if only." As a believer especially, I know this is fallacy, and still I do it.
Now I am reminded of something my brother taught on Sunday. When the enemy of my soul is trying to tempt me, he presents an idea and then an image. That was powerful stuff for me, it rang so very true. I get an idea about life, and then the image follows and when reality doesn't match up, i'm irritable and impatient.
Tonight i'm weary, aware and shutting down a bit. I will ask the Holy Spirit to straighten out my attitude, confident that He will do that exact work within me. I will look forward to Friday when I leave to see my sweetheart for a couple days. I guess, because it's been such a long haul, I want to get on with it and that just can't be right now. I have to be still and know that He is God. I have to trust that all the silences of the years, all the time apart from my precious kids, the betrayal of the one I trusted most on earth, all of it, is laid down on the altar and left there. He will be faithful, as always, to heal, to renew, to deal gently with His child.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord."~Psalm 27:14