Monday, February 3, 2014

Ah, My Old Nemesis

In pursuit of being a monk in the world, I am working on Lectio Divina.  Man, to quiet my mind and heart and just meditate on Christ is hard.  I've barely got one foot wet, yet, on those occasions when I have "taken every thought captive" I have truly sensed a deeper level of peace, of calm, of His presence. 

When I come before Him with no request other than more of Him, I am ashamed to say I hardly know how to begin.  But I find as I simply repeat my mantra (I see many Christians freaking out right now, lol), which is simply the word maranatha, meaning "come Lord Jesus", the heart and mind slowly seem to become one with Him and i'm loving it.  The peace I long to maintain just naturally is. 

This is a rough time for me.  To be separated from my love at this time of life is hard, I hate it, I resist it and fight it internally wrong!!  When there is something difficult in life that you cannot change, at least not soon enough to suit you, then embrace it.  If it has nothing to come up against, it will pass.  All is in His hands, in His control, i've but simply got to let go of it.  I am cognizant of my responsibility in it and am doing the next thing, after that, it's out of my hands.  So to continually buck up against it and worry about it means that i'm not trusting Him with it, even though He said in His Word that He's got it.

My heart is tender these days.....these years.  It can be wounded too easily at times.  But at 59, looking back, looking ahead, I am being kind to myself.  Forgiving myself and others more quickly.  Where I get hung up is time.  At this age, I feel an urgency to be with loved ones as much as possible, to be with a church family and be about the business of community.  Yet, I must remind myself that my days are in His hands and He guides my steps.  Lord, help this impatient woman learn to wait on You with grace.

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