Friday, September 4, 2015

Autumn Thoughts

In the Autumn of my life, things hurt more, bring deeper joy, anger gives way to the command to love my neighbor and understand that He really meant it.  And everyone is my neighbor.

Where I used to be pretty much silent when I watched friends step off precipices that were far too dangerous, now I want to snatch them back from the edge so much that I have found my voice.  I love them and I hate to see them suffer.  At the same time, there is grace, given to me for issues that are obviously harming me.  So hopefully, it is with that same grace that I speak gently, no criticism intended.  Never-the-less, I am finding that it is not well-received.  In the past I would have regretted saying anything, but now I cannot.  I love them, I truly do speak in love, instead of stinging from rejection, it just makes me sad.

I do not know why the Lord seems to make us wait for good things.  Why the 18 years before I met David, my heart, my home, sharer of my soul?  They were lonely, painful.  However, David was very much worth the wait.  I only know when He says wait, I will.  Having gone through my first husband leaving me and all the fallout that happened, I was not going to move until I knew it was of God.  I'm so glad I did.  It's a fairytale love, sometimes a little fractured, lol, but overall, a dream come true.  There will never be another man for me, he touches my heart daily, loves me unconditionally, there is safety and peace in that.  All I would have missed had I hurried the Lord.

Autumn is upon us, my co-favorite with Winter.  There are some challenges to deal with, some health issues, and Josh's release.  But those things feel like footnotes to a season when I am hearing the voice of the One who loves me best.  I can feel His presence daily and it becomes more precious with time.  What an interesting time of life, you're not dead yet, lol, but priorities shift and change with an eye on the finish line.  2 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind often.  Sins become clearer and I can't rush to Him fast enough for forgiveness, ever receiving His loving grace and mercy.

I find my thoughts gravitating to my grandkids more, and their mom.  A sorrow resides in my heart at not being to see them much growing up, and even now, even though our situation is better, it still does not allow us to see them a lot.  Sweet, sweet, gentle little souls that are a delight to be around and we're missing it!!!  All I can do is lay that at the foot of the cross and ask for help to cope with it.  And their mom, we have had a strained relationship in the past, I think it's better now, but again, when you don't see someone, hard for that relationship to deepen and get close.  It hurts my heart that it wasn't able to.

As the days grow shorter, the temps are cooling, I find an abiding peace exists in my heart in spite of all the disappointments and questions and I am thankful.  Eucharisteo.

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