I look into a face I only knew from a blog. And I feel so overwhelmed and tired. I know we all must die, but I hate it. I hate the sickness that lingers until it finally takes you. Littles left without a mom, a good & Godly man left without his wife and all that little word holds....worlds and hearts. I'm too mature to rage at it, but I won't go gentle either. Something within me just screams, "This isn't right!" And it's not, He didn't create us for death, but for life. And yes, it is beyond understanding or adequate gratefulness that we get to live with Him forever. But here, on this sod, right now, there are people I don't want to leave and don't want them to leave me. But the going comes and all that's left are photos and memories.
I am faced with the dilemma of loving a God that did not prevent The Fall. I know His love, His kindness, but because of death and suffering, I question them at times. I know all the answers we're given, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.....little comfort to the cancer victim, trying to be brave and a "good" Christian in their suffering and dying. I do trust His sovereignty, but can't say I like it sometimes. And as I type these words, I know the one that prompted it would tell me "No, no, He's got this."
So, i'm just pondering life, death and meaning, etc. this morning and it's not even 9:00 yet! ;) Missing my folks so much, wishing they were here. The world they created in our home is no more it seems, in the world I mean. Gone are family dinners at the table in peace, no TV, phones or anything. The security of a stable home is all but vanished, I always knew Mom was home if something happened or I needed her, and she was fulfilled in that role, as am I. And in later years, my kids will also tell you, just their very presence brought comfort and peace. I miss them.
Ultimately, I do trust Him and I know His ways are love and I count on that. And I will be glad to see loved ones in Heaven. But then there's that.....Heaven, what the heck are we gonna do forever that could possibly be that interesting??? The Lord knows I am dust. :)
So for today, I will wash dishes, clean the bathroom and the word for the day....for every day....is Eucharisteo. I will express to Him my gratitude for all the wonderful blessings I am experiencing and know that He's the same God, He gives, He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.♥