Upcoming surgery on the 18th has me thinking. It's for a hernia i've had for about 13 years. Supposed to be easy-peasy, but we've all heard horror stories, so while I trust in my Lord for the outcome, can't help these things floating through my mind occasionally. Has made me cognizant of certain things, certainly how much I love my husband and my family and friends.
It has also brought back memories. Josh is always on my heart and in my thoughts. Last night I reached for my wooden spoon to stir something on the stove and noticed how worn it has become. Years and years of stirring this and that. Took me back to our little apartment in Camarillo, CA, where we lived for 14 years after the divorce. Mostly made me smile. Cookies, mac & cheese, stir-fry, and accompanying these meals are the two faces I love so dearly. My little Molly, her round, little face grinning so big her eyes almost close, lol. And Josh, at that age when he has bunny teeth and is giddy and goofy, laughing. That spoon has witnessed a lot of joy. Sorrow too, but cooking was always comforting and when that spoon was used, was always for a group of 3 or more.
My brother is coming to stay with me after surgery. Dave took a couple days off, but really needs to be in the office. Very kind of Ron to offer and i'll appreciate not being alone without a car for a few days. We will laugh ourselves silly...probably have to be careful with that, lol, and watch movies and psychoanalyze everything. But I digress...
My point was that spoon. An inanimate object that has witnessed lives torn apart, put back together, made a favorite meal after a good grade, or a comforting one for a not-so-good grade. I love that spoon, i'll never get rid of it. I might retire it, but it will have a place beside the new to remind me of so many memories, and above all, of God's faithfulness to a single mom trying so hard to take care of her kids.
All these years later, the boy is in prison, the girl, married and serving the Lord. Both are as close as my next breath and always will be, no matter what geological location they occupy. So weird, I never noticed till this year, Josh is scheduled to be released a year from this Nov. 15th...his sister's birthday. I copied this yesterday from Lysa TerKeurst:
"It's so hard to have someone attack you in an area that's already rubbed raw with hardship." And to the Lord, i've changed the feminine to masculine:
"I will not sacrifice Your grace for my child on the altar of people's opinions. Of course I want my son to walk the straight and narrow path of great choices. But I trust You Lord to write his testimony. My main goal for him is not behavior modification but total heart transformation. I want him to want You, Lord, and Your best for his life. Give me the courage to not just pray about my son, but to pray him all the way through this."
These words resonate within me for Josh. I am privileged to be his mom, God picked me out of everyone else waiting to adopt. He's my son, I love him with all of my heart. Through the miracle of adoption and the Lord, he is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, as is his sister. But this boy, so talented and spontaneous and intelligent also has a dark side that is tormented and in constant upheaval. Only God, only God.
I have already marked my calendars as I do every year with birthdays and special occasions, but this Saturday they will have a new mark, another big heart around the first on the 15th. Joshua will be free on that day in one year, Lord willing.
Meanwhile, as life goes on, i'll continue to stir the pot with my friend and witness, the wooden spoon. Perhaps one day Josh will be coming here to eat, I bet even that spoon stirs happier. ;)