Friday, November 14, 2014

On Waiting

Renaissance Man calls to say he'll be home late.  Lots to do before he leaves this Friday.  I have my surgery on Tues. and he's taken Mon., Tues. and Wed. off.  So I have this extra time and I read Ann Voskamp's piece on waiting and it sets me to thinking.  I have thought this for some time really, because it's true in one sense. 

I have been waiting for something my whole life.  And it's true, much of that has robbed me of "now."  Growing up I waited to be unconditionally accepted.  I felt alone most of my childhood, other than being aware that a Presence was with me, only later in adulthood did I realize that it was Him.  He stayed with me all the time, never left me, and my heart missed Him then and I miss Him now.  I became aware that there will forever be a part of my heart that is lonely to actually be with Him again...and one day, that will be the reality.

I got married and found I couldn't have children.  I was waiting again.  For 5 long years it was about all I could think of.  Every shower, every stroller passed, baby clothes in the stores, etc., sent me into longing.  Then came my son, so treasured after this long, long wait.  And then Molly, equally treasured, she came from so far.

Then the one I trusted more than anyone in the world, betrayed me and left me for someone else.  Without going into that pain again, it is accurate to say I began waiting again.  Waiting for kids to get older, waiting to see if they would survive - if I would survive.  Then waiting for the real "right man."  It would be an 18-year wait.  Just when I believed the Lord did not want this for me, He gifted me with the finest man I have ever known.  And then, unemployment, and we wait.

Seven years of waiting on that one.  Humiliated, embarrassed, the Lord took care of any pride in this area but good.  We learned to rely wholly on God, for everything, and this was good.  We got to be together 24/7, and that was good.  Never the less, a very difficult time waiting indeed.

I am waiting again.  Waiting for my boy to be released from prison.  This has been the longest 3 years of my life, and one to go, at least.  It is as though part of my heart has been ripped away and I wait for it to be restored. 

It has struck me the last year or so, how much of my life has been spent waiting.  Sometimes only to find out that what you thought was the answer, wasn't.  Things often change without necessarily being all that you hoped.  There has been one that has not disappointed or been less, my sweet husband.  He doesn't talk much, which drives me crazy.....cuz i'm a big talker!  But he says "I love you" every single day, and sometimes the things that come out of his mouth totally and completely blow me away.  He is for me and won't leave me and holds me in the night when i'm scared, and when I am overcome with grief over my son.  Then he doesn't talk either, doesn't try to fix it, just lets me mourn in his arms until i'm done.

Now that i'm more mature, I can look back and see how much time I did waste waiting.  Life is indeed "now."  It is far better to be grateful for today's blessings and quit spending time pre-occupied with what the future may or may not hold.  I pray the Lord helps will help me do this more.  Today:  I rested well last night, woke up in our little house with my man and my furry child, had food to eat, energy to do my tasks, all the while He was with me, does it get better than that really?  I say no, and also a prayer of thanksgiving.

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