This Christmas

Yesterday was Christmas.  I anticipated it with some dread and some excitement.  There will forever reside within me a little girl that hopes for something so magical, so incredible.  That hasn't happened since childhood, but there you are, it's there never-the-less, doomed for disappointment.  ;)  Then there is the dread that it will be a nothing-ness Christmas, no different than another day off, and all the hopes and fears of all the years will come and go without notice.

Every year since 2012 there is an empty spot at the table, wherever that table may be.  Josh usually made it home for Christmas, bearing PBR and his own punk-style flair.  I miss him so much it aches.  He tried to call twice yesterday, and I missed them both, which broke my heart.  I know we'll talk soon, but it was Christmas and my mom's heart can't take much more of this being apart.  Still almost a year to go.  His grace is sufficient I continually remind myself.

So yesterday began with our going out for coffee, some places were open, but only the drive-thru's.  So that didn't happen...but turned into a nice little tour of our new city.  Came home and had a delish new recipe, Paula Deen's baked praline french toast.  Then we watched some holiday shows we had recorded, and generally laid around, lol.  Got last minute invitation from wonderful friends, but i'm still mending, and for some reason yesterday was particularly painful at times, so stuck close to home.  Missed seeing the grandkids and their mom, that was just miscommunication, perhaps next year....which could get complicated, so who knows.  Put up the card table in the living room, had our ham sammies and deli goodies by the glow of the tree lights and watched White Christmas, we have to see that one every year!!  A tradition that started the first year we were together.  :)  Then we drove around and looked at Christmas lights, so pretty.  That custom began when I was a kid living in Lancaster, CA.  Dad liked doing that and we were out for about an hour or so.  One year I was so thrilled, my brother let me go with him and current girl he was dating, he was driving then.  lol  Ended the evening watching Alaska: The Last Frontier.  lol  Nice tho, they all made homemade gifts, and they were really neat! 

Anyhow, point was, instead of being a let-down as has happened the last few years, this was a really, really nice Christmas.  Just me and my love, in our little home, being self-supporting....although we know we should really say, being God-supported, as is and was always the case.  The surgery I dreaded, behind me, just patience still required for healing.  Sadie relishing all the yummy special treats and her Christmas toys.  :)  We indeed had, a merry, little Christmas and it was perfect.  That said, of course we missed our loved ones and hopefully next year that will be different.  But it was as it should be for this year.

My heart is full.  From a time where everything was very bleak and hopeless, to now be here in this place I love, with this very special man that I treasure more than life, and our furry child, I can only utter heartfelt thanks to a God that loves us more than I can ever fully comprehend.  Hoping in my heart that my family, blood and otherwise, had a truly special Christmas.  I am blessed to see Autumn, I will call her my daughter-in-law, and my grandbabies having had their own little Christmas.  How blessed I am to see the pictures.  God's love shed abroad at Christmas.  Happy Boxing Day!  ;)