Wednesday, August 20, 2014


What I'm finding is that this thing is taking over my life.  Every day it fills my mind, I imagine plans for that time when it finally comes.  I am speaking of my son's release from prison.  Supposed to happen in November of 2015.  That is over a year away, but I feel as though it will happen tomorrow.  Wishful thinking that. 

I wonder how he'll feel, being able to be safe at our house, in a comfortable room with a big bed, having the freedom to go in and out at will.  For all his bravado, this has been so hard on his soul.  Real and imagined threats, he is tap-dancing to try to stay safe and make it through his time.

You want to believe your kid is different.  He's not like the hardened criminals that fill these places.  But then you know every mother would say that.  I pray in our case that it's true.  I have seen Josh lose his temper and he's got to deal with that, but I never felt afraid of him.  I pray this was one terrible "perfect" storm.  I am so thankful that the girl is ok and seems to bear no lasting physical or mental scars.

I know of nothing like this.  He's not dead, but the period he's been gone has almost felt like that.  And he's been gone at a crucial time for his mom.  I have aged while he's been in.  I feel an urgency to spend time with my son.  This bright, gifted.....and troubled young man, who owns a piece of my heart forever.

So i've got to get through this year and 2 months.  It sounds impossible to me, but I belong to One who will make it possible.  I belong to One who loves Josh more than I do and wants his good.  In the meantime, my thoughts are filled with the little boy that ushered me into the most magical time of my life.  I can still hear his laughter as a child, see him, so full of life and silliness.  I long for the guy that can make me laugh like no one else.  My fellow POW during that horrible time.  We get each other in deep ways.....and not in others.  I just want to go to sleep one night, knowing he is safe, asleep across the hallway.

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