I'm not sure if it's the move, the season of life or what, but memories seem to be dropping in unexpectedly very often these days. My first marriage, 17 years of my young life. He left me for someone else, insisted on and won shared custody, which has scarred the 3 of us, Joshua, Molly & myself.
As I watched my husband mowing the lawn through the sliding screen door last evening, admiring his form, his heart, I remembered the first. The differences between the two couldn't be more extreme. Here's the chain of my thinking, wow, we own a lawn mower, I owned one once before, and there you go, memories. Thinking of all that was lost, lawn mower, furniture, "stuff" that has to be divided when divorce happens.
And even now, though healing has occurred, hard fought, hard won through nothing less than the blood of Christ, that feeling of betrayal and pain sprints across my heart momentarily. And holding its hand across my heart's landscape, fear. I mean I was sure of him, would've bet my life on him. "What if Dave...", but no, there is a distinct difference. David loves God, first did not. And because David loves God, he has integrity, honor, and a love for me that occasionally takes my breath away when revealed. He's not one to share feelings beyond "I love you," so when he does, seriously, I can lose breath at what he says.
But there were things that were lost, that have not been redeemed. My sweet little kids' innocence, Molly just 3, Josh 7, when he did what he did. Joshua would go through the house and put all the pictures he could reach of us, face down. :( Molly, too little to have a clue of what was happening, just went with the flow. And every other week, when he picked them up, they not wanting to go, me not wanting them to go, I would watch the car disappear, Josh and I locked onto one another's eyes until he was too far away. I would go lay on the bed and cry. It remained that way until they left home.
Josh sits in a prison cell today. I make no excuses for him, our choices are our own. I simply make the observation that when someone feels so betrayed by the one they should have been able to trust the most at such a young age, it will come out somewhere. I had the Lord and as always, He was faithful. Josh has rebelled and blamed God for the destruction of his home. I keep praying, always will.
Molly has her own deep issues. But she does have the Lord and He will get her through, that and the love of a good man.
So what was lost in this firestorm was trust, innocence, safety, security and love. I am praying for redemption. Redemption of a part of my past that can still haunt me at times. The sorrow of a mother's heart over her children's pain (there is much more to the story), the poverty we were all thrust into, etc.
But I know it was like some fires in chaparrals. Because of the blaze, some things were birthed that would not have been otherwise. A dependence on the Lord instead of people or things would not have taken place, a very good lesson to learn that will serve one well. You find out how valuable friendship is and treasure it.
The Lord will bring us through anything if we keep hold of His hand. And though the memories are there, the real sting is gone. And this morning, I gaze out the window at a freshly mown lawn, with a heart filled with peace, and with love for the amazing, wonderful, sweet husband only He could give.♥