I
was thinking this morning of the past 7 years.
At times I feel like the Lord has enabled me to step back into life
without any trouble, that i'm swimming along with all the other fishies. Not frantic, just swimming again with the
flow. It is true, but I do notice
something. While most of the others are
silver shiny and unblemished, I am severely scarred. The sheen is dulled, the beauty gone. Seven years of battle have left their
mark. So while the Lord strengthens and
enables me to continue the journey, there are some injuries so deep, some
battles so hard fought, that I am not like the others. I can take my place in the stream, and go
with the flow, but I notice that I am slower and weaker than the rest. If there is obstruction in the way, I cannot
leap over it, I must find an easier route.
I stop at every shiny object to pause and appreciate the moment of
beauty before continuing.
I
see an uncertain future in so many ways and wonder if I have the
strength....even in Him....to finish. I
think of my grandchildren, so beloved and yet how would they know that. We have not been able to send gifts on birthdays
or Christmas, or even a card, at times we only had $10 and no way of knowing if
any more would come. Of course it did
because of God's provision, love & mercy, but they are little, they don't
know all that. All they know is that we
are in and out of their lives every couple years. I love them so much, for who they are, so
unique, and because they are an extension of my son, whom I love more than
life. And battling a disease that I seem
to be unable to control, knowing that kind of thinking is ludicrous, it's all
about choices, and still making the wrong ones.
Perhaps that is what will get me in the end. Who will go first? It just has to be me, I couldn't stand it
without my love. My gift, so precious to
me. David came out of nowhere in such a
unique way, I knew it was God and it really was love at first sight, after
talking online. Old age, etc. Now, I realize everyone has "stuff"
that could be worrisome. But we who
belong to Christ, know that our days are in His loving hands. Problem is, I have so little resistance these
days, it is difficult not to give in to fear.
And sometimes, I just long to be with Christ so much that I think He may
just arrange that sooner than I think, lol.
For that is the only place I find total peace, in His presence. He is the only one who knows every motive,
every sorrow.
For
today, the water is clear and cool. The
fishies around me don't seem to notice the difference between us, and some have
varying degrees of scarring too. So we
swim on in His purposes, to the destiny He has called us to. Each path unique and tailored to each one
individually. To bring Him glory on the
way. And along the way, to revel in His
creation, in our salvation, our blessings.
To swim along, ignorant of all the ways He protects us from unseen snares,
in His love He just draws us home, He alone knows when we will arrive.
