In the Flow

I was thinking this morning of the past 7 years.  At times I feel like the Lord has enabled me to step back into life without any trouble, that i'm swimming along with all the other fishies.  Not frantic, just swimming again with the flow.  It is true, but I do notice something.  While most of the others are silver shiny and unblemished, I am severely scarred.  The sheen is dulled, the beauty gone.  Seven years of battle have left their mark.  So while the Lord strengthens and enables me to continue the journey, there are some injuries so deep, some battles so hard fought, that I am not like the others.  I can take my place in the stream, and go with the flow, but I notice that I am slower and weaker than the rest.  If there is obstruction in the way, I cannot leap over it, I must find an easier route.  I stop at every shiny object to pause and appreciate the moment of beauty before continuing.

I see an uncertain future in so many ways and wonder if I have the strength....even in Him....to finish.  I think of my grandchildren, so beloved and yet how would they know that.  We have not been able to send gifts on birthdays or Christmas, or even a card, at times we only had $10 and no way of knowing if any more would come.  Of course it did because of God's provision, love & mercy, but they are little, they don't know all that.  All they know is that we are in and out of their lives every couple years.  I love them so much, for who they are, so unique, and because they are an extension of my son, whom I love more than life.  And battling a disease that I seem to be unable to control, knowing that kind of thinking is ludicrous, it's all about choices, and still making the wrong ones.  Perhaps that is what will get me in the end.  Who will go first?  It just has to be me, I couldn't stand it without my love.  My gift, so precious to me.  David came out of nowhere in such a unique way, I knew it was God and it really was love at first sight, after talking online.  Old age, etc.  Now, I realize everyone has "stuff" that could be worrisome.  But we who belong to Christ, know that our days are in His loving hands.  Problem is, I have so little resistance these days, it is difficult not to give in to fear.  And sometimes, I just long to be with Christ so much that I think He may just arrange that sooner than I think, lol.  For that is the only place I find total peace, in His presence.  He is the only one who knows every motive, every sorrow. 

For today, the water is clear and cool.  The fishies around me don't seem to notice the difference between us, and some have varying degrees of scarring too.  So we swim on in His purposes, to the destiny He has called us to.  Each path unique and tailored to each one individually.  To bring Him glory on the way.  And along the way, to revel in His creation, in our salvation, our blessings.  To swim along, ignorant of all the ways He protects us from unseen snares, in His love He just draws us home, He alone knows when we will arrive.