With Autumn's arrival, so comes introspection. Taking a look at what I know about myself that I didn't at the beginning of the year, how has my spiritual walk changed or grown...or not grown. Thinking of family and friends and if our relationships are richer, less so, etc. And I have to wonder if I have any objectivity at all. If I am honest, I can be so self-focused that, unlike the One I love and serve, I forget to think of others as I should. However, when that happens, He gently taps me on the shoulder and reminds me. I am so thankful for these reminders and that He is faithful when I am not.
What comes to mind today is that as of late there is expression within me that has to find its way out through simple drawings and colorings, childlike really, but it gives me peace. And writing, always writing. Even though it's not the best, words powerfully paint the canvas of the page with my thoughts and it's what I have to do. Like a new friend of mine, Rebekah, though she is a much better writer than I, it's just this need that you can't deny, they gotta get out or you suffer. Once spilled out onto the page, the peace comes.
What the Lord has shown me this past year, more than any other time in my life, is that He doesn't really need me to do anything. He instructs me how to behave, has told me to pray unceasing, so I try to do those things. But there has been 2 huge things that have been answers to prayer that He really did it all without me. I think I was faithful to pray for these things, and did what came to me, but it was really...and always has been...all Him. I call them miracles, for me, they are. When minds and hearts and circumstances radically change, do a 180, there's no explanation but God. And though I strive to give Him glory for every precious blessing I have, these are things that would never have happened if His hand was not in it.
What a God to have. So much love, so much patience, long-suffering, kind, loving, gentle, there just aren't enough adjectives that do justice. The unbeliever will read this and not understand it at all, my son being one. Those who are believers will understand perfectly, and smile with sweet knowing.
Years spent in worry. It's what I do, though that is changing to "did." Not there yet, but i'm learning. If your life is in His hands, nothing you can do or not do, will affect His will. And though it's been years spent not particularly happy with His will, I always knew He holds us in His hands. There have been ugly segments of time with a war of wills between us. As foolish as I knew it was even at the time, I would wrestle with Him for control and resent Him for not handing it over. Like a small child who wants to play in the street, my own thinking seemed right to me. And don't get me wrong, some of it is still a mystery, what I wanted wasn't wrong, in fact it was Biblical, but it wasn't His time yet. I have come to rely on my Heavenly Father to patiently hold me close as I writhe and struggle against Him, only to wear myself out and collapse in a heap, His arms forever catching me.
So as I reflect this Autumn of 2013, I do see growth. I see over all, love. Love that will watch over my prodigal and whether I am breathing or gone home, will continue to woo him, who has all my loved ones in view and works all things to bring them to Him. I have learned that there is such rest and peace in knowing that He is working, regardless of what I see at the time. What peace. What love.