I have been thinking lately about the mother-child relationship and how as a mom, that drive to protect, nurture, shelter, feed, etc. just never leaves. But if not exercised in a healthy way can throw the lives involved into a never-ending conglomerate of dysfunction.
A few years ago, I believe that was the case for me and my son, Josh. Having watched him become destructive to his own life and others, I tried desperately to control and protect him. I couldn't stand to see him land where his hap-hazard behavior was propelling him.
After years of him equally circumventing my numerous attempts at "straightening him out," the Lord showed me I was not helping him, and was wearing myself out needlessly. I needed to truly give him to the Lord and by doing so, force him to face the consequences of his actions. What I thought would rench my heart irrevocably, as the Lord obviously knew, actually accomplished
what I could not. My son did
indeed find himself at his end. But not the bottom. I have still yet to see that, though I thought I had.
My quandary is this: the Lord put into a mother's heart the desire for the welfare of her child above all else. When they are little, they need this. Once grown, I had to accept that he was an adult making very foolish choices and though he couldn't see the tragedy that lie ahead, and I could, I had to let him go. I could not save him from himself. He now lives in prison and my heart is broken for that. Only God.
But the thing that can torment me is all those maternal feelings that are good and necessary for the baby and child are still there, though the man has carried himself into the heart of darkness. So long as I live, my heart will be for him and with him. I will forever, as he walks toward me, also see the little guy that made my heart sing. And as I look at this broken, wounded man, I know that no amount of human love, acceptance and understanding can bring the healing he so desperately needs. Only Christ can offer the absolution his soul and mind and heart need. The washing and renewing that can only come from repentance and acceptance of the only love that loves him totally purely and completely. Only God is capable of looking at the regenerate soul and not remember all the wrongs.
But for now, my mother's heart just hurts. I long to see him swagger in the door, smiling that great smile, making me laugh at something silly. I want to share with him as we always have, and he actually had some good advice at times. I listened. Too bad he didn't listen to me more. ♥