The mornings are whisper-quiet, the day's tasks before me. As I suspected, the newness of our home and the move is beginning to wear off, as it should. Home is not a foreign place, but one of familiarity and peace.
I felt the familiar tug to write this morning. Asking the Lord what I should write about, He said, "Me." Ah, my favorite thing.
Lately I have been thinking how unfortunate it seems that we only really start to learn some things with age. Or for some of us, it is true. It is of me. If I would have trusted the Lord as I should have when my husband left, when I was unable to have children, when my son began his prodigal journey, which he continues on, the years of being alone, longing for a good and Godly man, I would have been spared much grief.
Here is what I know, the Lord is trustworthy. His mercies are indeed new every morning. "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you." ~Isaiah 54:10. What wonderful assurance.
But it has taken almost 60 years to get to the point of my truly believing that. I am so thankful He is not dependent on my sinful heart, doubts, selfishness. He is love, He is who He is and does not change. "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" ~ Numbers 23:19.
I am finding in these quiet, peaceful days that His presence surrounds me and ministers to me what I don't even know I need. He truly never leaves. There were some things I knew would be true with this move that would be difficult. One of those things is the loneliness. Without a car, and no friends really, it can get lonely. That said, for right now, I don't want anyone to come and take me to a Bible study group for women, and new friends are just too much emotional effort at the moment. I am longing for dear one's faces that I know so well, and who know me.
It's not that old insecurity as a kid, afraid to meet new people for fear they won't like me. That's pretty much gone, as they say, you get older and you just don't care about that stuff. If some people don't like me, that's okay. It is that I am still weary from the journey of the Wilderness and need to see those that walked with me, those who know, what's not said when we look into one another's eyes. The heartaches shared on both sides. That kind of richness in relationships takes a long time and i'm just not up for new ones right now.
So, for now, I will spend the days nesting, adjusting, moving things around, etc. and fellowshipping with my Savior and best friend. I will ask a million questions about the past, present and future. He will give discernment, and help me to find peace when He is silent. I can know with every step, every question, He is faithful and He loves me.