Trying to spend some time in reflection at this stage of life. Looking back I see the sorrow of a husband's leaving for someone he worked with, leaving our two little ones to adjust to a life the three of us never wanted. The devastation in my little 7-year-old boy's eyes, they literally looked different after the divorce. That little boy and his anger transformed into a 30-year-old man who gave in to that anger and who now sits in prison for the next 3 years. The little girl, then 3, now a woman who struggles with her own demons from a father that was anything but. Long, lonely years trying to provide a home for these two that were more precious than life to me. To remember the struggles, the emotional as well as the literal poverty that ensued, can still raise strong emotions.
The way I came to hold those two sweet souls, adoption. Facing infertility and the decisions regarding how to deal with it, with a man that would turn out to betray me in the worst way. Never the less, they are mine and we are close, and I am blessed to have them.
The loneliness. Eighteen years of being on my own, looking, but nothing clicking. Finally asking God to just take the desire away. I am absolutely certain that He was chuckling. My daughter was about to get married to a young man in Texas. So in order to at least get to know each other a little, his father and I had talked some online. When Dave came for the wedding, for me, it was really love at first sight! We will celebrate our 5th anniversary this coming February. And these past years with him have been the sweetest of my life. It is truly a fairytale love that I never dreamed possible in real life. He takes care of me in every way and my heart is safe with him.
And in looking back I see the one steady influence in the whole thing, all through the years, all through the tears, all through the joys. The steady, unfailing presence of Christ sustained me, held me, carried me, encouraged me, disciplined me, loved me, and most of all, never, ever left me. And I have found that the worse things get, the clearer I see Him. The clearer I see Him, I see myself and how unworthy I am, and yet He stands steady, always reassuring me of His great love. Not only that, but that He loves me, He is not like a harsh Father, waiting to zap me, but rather always there to support and lean on.
I was thinking of all the broken dreams I have, and how they don't just lie on the floor, but my entire home is tiled with them. But Christ has made them into a beautiful and colorful mosaic. I can look at what was without too much pain and see how one piece next to the other provides the walkway into joy. That what the enemy of my soul meant for harm and pain, He has used for good.
Part of that, a big part actually, was David. As the Bible says, we are truly one. He takes my breath away and has no idea that he does, lol. My heart is safe with him, something I thought would never happen again. And his love for God moves my soul. Because of it, I feel secure and on solid ground.
How do you explain to those who don't know Him? I have never known such unconditional love, human beings are incapable of it. Some come close, but fall short. How else can you know that when you get the lab report that says cancer, or you lose a loved one, even though you prayed for safety, fill in the blank, that all will be well with your soul? Because my eternity is secure, my vision is corrected. This truly is temporal and this earth, though filled with magical, beautiful things, is not my home and only a foretaste of what lies beyond. So in the interim, I choose to continue to take His hand and follow and enjoy His love.